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Friday, October 4, 2013

FFS!? Friday : Shut up a yo face

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This post is not sponsored by Mitsibishi Australia or Joe Dolce, but I would like to sincerely thank (not) both for teaching Mistr4 the phrase "OH SHUTTUP A YO FACE!".  FFS!?

Last Sunday I spent the day preparing to work Monday to Saturday.  FFS!?

At 3pm Miss7's nasty cold developed an equally nasty rash on her torso and the insides of her elbows and knees.  FFS!?

I am all about the blind panic, and after a quick 15 second consult with the Google Doctors, I rushed to the local 7 day clinic claiming measles / meningitis / meningococcal.  FFS!?

Turns out it was a viral rash that would soon disappear, and she was, in fact, not remotely contagious and almost over the nasty cold/flu. No FFS!?

And so I took her home, humiliated and feeling like one of those over-bearing panic parents (FFS!?), but mostly relieved that she was not suffering from any of the awful Google diseases (No FFS!?).

Around 7pm Mstr4 started to cough and his breathing became laboured.  He was still happy and playing, so I figured he was probably just coming down with his sisters' cold/flu.  FFS!?

By 8pm he was wheezing constantly.  FFS!?  

But still happy.  No FFS!?

So I put him in bed with me so that I could keep an eye on him, and he promptly fell asleep.  No FFS!?

Just as I was dozing off I noticed his little body heaving with every breath, the wheezing extreme.  He was struggling to breath, so much so that it kept waking him up gasping.  FFS!?

So I jumped out of bed and woke #1Hubby, told him to stay with the girls and I was going to take Mstr4 to the childrens' hospital.

We were a sight - me in my delightfully chic moo cow PJs, carrying him in his spiderman PJs with matching slippers.  I expect we looked like we were late for a costume party.

Given his distressed state, we were rushed straight in.

Children with acute asthma have oxygen levels as low as 92%.  Mstr4 was sitting on 88%, going as high as 90% with medication.  FFS!?

A normal heart rate for kids is around 80 - 100 BPM.  Mstr4 was hovering around 140 - 170 BPM.  FFS!?

And so we spent the night in emergency, half hourly medication and obs.

Of course Mstr4 is one of the percentage of people who have a reaction to standard asthma medication.  That being a feeling of giddiness, a hyped state, a restlessness.  FFS!?

He did not shut up.  Ever.  Except to wheeze.  FFS!?

He asked all of the questions.  FFS!?

He spoke to anyone who dared to make eye contact.  FFS!?

He chatted up every staff member, telling them they were beautiful, he liked their toenails, or they had a nice nozzie (nose).  Which would've been hilarious if I wasn't so panicked watching his stats refuse to stabilise while he laid out his smooth one liners.  FFS!?

He kept telling his machines to shhh when they beeped.  Every.  Single.  Time.  FFS!?

They moved us twice, trying to find a quiet area so that he would shut up and go to sleep.

Finally, around 4:30am he dozed off.

Draped over me, refusing his bed.

His stats dropped further because he was sleeping, and so he needed an oxygen mask permanently.

So he was put on the bed and of course that woke him up, and sent him into a tantrum as he hated the mask and refused to wear it, instead offering to put it on his 'Goggy':

And so he was back to being draped over me on the chair, while I waited until he fell asleep on me again, so I could then hold the oxygen mask just above his nose.  FFS!?

For two and a half hours, moving with him as he tossed and turned, making sure the mask was just shy of touching his face.  FFS!?

Finally, at 7am they moved us to a room in the emergency department that had 4 other kids in it. 

This bed had a TV, and Mstr4, who had only had 2.5 hours of interrupted and restless sleep, refused to go back to sleep and instead demanded to watch TV.

And the very first thing that he saw was this ad:

Can you guess what he did next?

He woke the rest of the room up screaming, in a delighted voice:


Repeatedly.  FFS!?

It was a truly delightful day, following zero sleep and maximum stress, as he gradually got better and continued telling everyone to shuttup a you face all day, with more and more enthusiasm as his breathing improved.  FFS!?

Almost a week later, he is his usual self with the addition of his new favourite phrase, which he will excitedly yell out to anyone.  FFS!?

Followed by me apologetically explaining that he saw a car ad on TV that featured that old song and he's really not being a rude and obnoxious brat, he is just singing the song from the car ad.  FFS!?

Thanks for nothing Mitsubishi Australia and Joe Dolce.  FFS!?


  1. Glad he is ok, maybe your mstr 4 can sing that to my 9 week old who loves it when I sing that to him!!

    1. You're teaching him early vocabulary, good work! I'd be so proud if his first full sentence had been "ahh shutup a yo face!"

  2. Oh lordy, hospital visits and sick children no good!! I was amused last year when I discovered my Mr had taught the boy the joys of the Joe Dolce number on a road trip. AH SHUTTUPA YO FACE!

    1. It has to be better than listening to a Wiggles or Hi 5 CD on repeat during a long road trip. Shudder.

  3. Oh dear, you poor things. Glad he is okay now, but AAAARGH! Shuttapa yo face, TV!

    1. Exactly! If he's not yelling it out, I'm singing it in my head. And seeing Joe Dolce's face everywhere.

  4. Bless the little tucker! Have you tried getting him on to the other classic of that era, I'm So Tough? No amount of Googling can tell me who it was by, but I can remember listening to it on my Dad's jukebox in the early 80s. It includes such classics as, "I'm so tough, my mother irons my shirts... while I'm wearing them" and "My cat's so tough it opens its own cans... of Pal".

    1. OMG. I haven't heard of that one, but it sounds completely awesome. I must find it!

  5. Glad he was ok! I've had asthma all my life so know how scary it can be. I kind of see the funny side of him yelling it out to everyone (but I have a twisted sense of humour!).

    1. You and me both Toni. I spent more time snickering to myself as he yelled it out than stressing. Figured if he had the breath to yell that out, he must be getting better.

  6. It could have been worse. They could have used Denis Leary's song, 'He's An Asshole'. That could have won you a mother of the year award.

    1. Yeah good point. I'll save that one for next time he's sick. So I don't bore the staff with the same old song.

  7. Oh my goodness I felt for you reading through this ...

    1. Thanks Janet. He's fine now. Completely back to usual working order.

  8. Geez some days of parenting are a whole lot harder than we expect. Just hope he doesn't hear that new song my 10 yr old is constantly singing which has the most annoying chorus since ... since .... well never. It's "What does the fox say? Ringadinngdinngdinng etc etc" until your ears bleed.

    1. SHHHHHH. I have only just got that song out of my head....

  9. Oh, Georgia! Asthma attacks are the friggin' WORSE!!! We did a 3am hospital run a couple of weeks ago because we ahem ran out of ventolin - FFS
    Good thing Joe Dolce kept your boy company coz that song is AWESOME!!! ;)

    1. OMG, 3am! I do hope you were better dressed than me and my moo cow PJs ;-)

  10. Glad Mstr 4 is ok!! Why do kids see 'we're going to hospital, where other human beings can see us' as the cue to expose all their 'eccentricities' (naughtiness) to the world no matter how crappy they feel? Sometimes I swear it's the 3 degrees of separation from DOCS - they're seeing if they can push things too far for funsies (or maybe just my Boo)
    Tara @ Hand Me My Sanity


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