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Friday, December 13, 2013

FFS!? Friday : Tan lines

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I'm struggling with the transition into summer.  FFS!?

The endless landscaping required so that I don't give anyone a friction burn if they come in close range of my uncovered legs.  FFS!?

The constant danger of blindness via the whiter than white state of my pale, pasty self, thanks to exposing the parts that had been happily covered up through the colder months.  FFS!?

Being all sun-smart and wise to the dangers and ageing effects of too much sun (and too lazy to spend much time outdoors doing anything in the sun beyond donning a large floatie in a pool with a swim up bar), I am decidedly white.  FFS!?

I believe the term is Lily White.  FFS!?

I debated spray tanning, but couldn't decide if it was PC to ask them to wait while I lifted my wobbly bits so they could spray underneath in order to get an even coverage.  FFS!?

So I've gone the DIY route and started slapping on the good old fake tanning cream instead.

For another year.  FFS!?

With the same results as every other year.  FFS!?

I'm now part Lily White, intersected with very clear segments of Oompa Loompa Orange.  FFS!?

Cue "Oompa Loompa loompity-do, I've got another problem for you!" from the movie, repeating in my head.  FFS!?

I never apply too much at once, and I'm always careful to spread it out.  I walk like a rusty robot for at least an hour after application, to ensure I don't rub any off or smudge it.  FFS!?

And yet, always with the streaks and obvious lines.  FFS!?

Don't even get me started on the smell.  FFS!?

There was a time when going Lily White was fashionable.  I rocked it.  No FFS!?

Unfortunately, that was in a previous decade.  FFS!?

Where is the fake tan that says "gently sun kissed into a completely safe bronzed state" that also makes me appear slimmer than I am.  Because I've heard that a good fake tan can do that thanks to contouring or strategically applied shadows or something.  FFS!?

Or is that bronzer?  Am I way off, and should I actually be applying head to toe bronzer every day?  FFS!?

I think the fake tan has gone to my brain.  FFS?

Seriously, I stink like a weird cheap chemical perfume that's gone bad.  FFS!?


  1. I'm a little ashamed to admit it but I do have a natural tan - from halfway down my thighs to my sock line. There's no hiding that I spend too much time in shorts and running shoes and you'd have to be an artist to be able to even out the white bits with fake tan. I'm doomed to spend the rest of my days two-toned unless I take up naked running. But I don't think the world is ready for that.

    1. I would proudly display those tan lines. They are clearly the result of healthy living and exercise. In fact, I wonder if I can arrange my own tan lines to give the illusion of exercise-related tan. Stay tuned...

  2. It's def. tricky. I now pull out a small bowl and mix the fake tan cream with some normal moisturising lotion to get a more even coverage - even if it's a shade or two lighter. If you remember, you can re-apply over a couple of days until you get the shade you're after. I'm a Lily whitie like you so just one application is normally enough to take the glare off and the inconvenience of the robot dance a few days running is FFS :)

    1. Great minds think alike - a friend suggested the same thing. So I went and got me some of the Holiday Skin lotion (or whatever it's called) - basically just a moisturiser with a tint. Am now off white rather than lily white. Counting it as a massive win!

  3. I've never had success in the tanning stakes - so have given up. My legs are always lily white, but I think better lily white than tanned with skin cancer...or orange!

    1. You're so right. Anything is better than skin cancer. I'm still struggling to work out that lily white is better than orange. I'm working on it. Not to mention far less toxic smelling.

  4. I give up on fake tan, I always suck at it no matter how carefully I apply it. I've started walking with the baby lately and I'm developing a natural tan on my arms, unfortunately I also like wearing maxi dresses so that leaves me half tanned half whiter than white. I guess at least half of me is trendy. I just look really weird naked lol.

  5. Don't you get a tan when you go to Bali???!! I think you're due for a trip over there STAT! :)

    1. It's hard to tan when you're under the cover of water and floatation devices, plus the shade of a swim up pool bar and its roof, and a massive cocktail glass. Or in a shop.

      But...Dude...I am going in March for a CHILD FREE week (and that includes husband / 4th child free! - although I will be supervising/parenting my brother...).

  6. I used to be a really good frier of myself but since having kids I've become skin smart overnight - just don't want to die young, then again, I should probably be more worried about how much I drink if that's the case! Thanks for FFS laughs


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