Not Suitable For Anyone Related To Me Or Who Knows Me In Real Life
Because I'm about to over-share, yo!
So you've had sufficient warning to click away....
Today I'm talking undies.
Backwards knickers (as a friend's daughter called them when telling her classmates that her Mum wears her knickers backwards because you can see her bottom sometimes).
Whatever you call them, they are evil. FFS!?
For the first time in my adult life, I've spent a week not wearing underwear with a degree of lycra sucking capabilities. No FFS!? / FFS!?
For years I was overweight, so I wore them to lessen the lumpy bits. FFS!?
Then I lost 40Kg on top of incubating the Twin Tornado, and so I continued to wear the sadistic lycra kidney huggers to hold the wobbly bits in place. FFS!? / No FFS!?
Even after having the excess skin removed and a tummy tuck, for some reason, I have still been wearing them.
They are not even remotely torturous after so many years of my girth wearing their super elastic powers down, coupled with the extensive reduction in my size. FFS!? / No FFS!?
In fact, I have taken to rolling them over at the top of the waist band, so that they don't fall down. FFS!?
It all sounds oh so attractive, yes? FFS!?
They had become a sort of security blanket - if I wore them, then I wouldn't have to worry about my gut sticking out, my rear wobbling all over the place etc. etc.
Last week I realised I didn't actually need to wear them anymore. No FFS!?
Which is not to say I'm as skinny as a supermodel who would float away in a gust of wind.
In fact, I am not thin. But my stomach is relatively flat. No washboard abs, nothing remotely tight there, but it is fairly flat.
So why the hell am I still getting around in the least attractive underwear known to man? FFS!?
So I went out and bought me some spunky new undies.
The kind missing half their backside.
I didn't intend to buy a set of G Banger's. I thought these had full butt cheek encapsulating capabilities.
There is certainly fabric at the back.
Seasoned undies shoppers would know that this is not a full brief with hipster waist.
It was deceptive.
I was tricked.
The front view was completely unassumingly normal, and the back view was full enough that I didn't realise they were the kind to seek out your butt crack. FFS!?
It's been a while between undies shopping trips, and I didn't expect anything so risque at Kmart.
It turns out I have bought what people in the know refer to as The Brazilian Boyleg Brief.
Let me tell you, The Brazilian Boyleg Brief is fairly brief in the rear. FFS!?
It rides up my arse crack the second I move. FFS!?
Twist to the left and the right cheek is exposed. FFS!?
Twist back to the right and the left cheek has joined the party. FFS!?
I am too scared to even attempt bending over, lest they pass the point of no return and I choke on them. FFS!?
Suddenly I feel like I should be standing atop one of those professional lifesaving boats where the buff and otherwise manly and attractive lifesavers have their Speedo's wedged up their arse cracks. FFS!?
There is nothing remotely sexy about it. FFS!?
It is - literally - a giant pain in the arse. FFS!?
How do people ever get used to having something permanently wedged in their butt crack? FFS!?
It's like purposely giving yourself a giant wedgie, and then constantly resisting the urge to pick it out. FFS!?
I even considered the possibility that I'd put them on backwards, and went to the bathroom to check.
But no. FFS!?
This, of course, puts an end to my career aspirations as a Victoria's Secret model. FFS!?