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Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Drop it like it's hot. Please.

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Respect.  Being my child, Mstr5 enjoys the great rappers of our time, so I even deferred to Snoop Dogg for some sage advice to DROP IT LIKE IT'S no avail.

What does one do when their child insists on holding their boy bits, like, ALL THE TIME?

I'm asking, because I'm out of ideas on how to stop Mstr5 holding hands with himself, so to speak.

It's clearly a male thing, as neither of my girls grab their bits.

To be honest, I've probably left it a bit late to be asking.

He's been holding on for dear life for a good 2-3 years now.

I'm not confident I can break the habit.

Here are just a few of my failed attempts at convincing him to drop it.

Firstly, the threats....

If you don't stop holding it, it will fall off

If you don't stop holding it, it won't grow

If you don't stop holding it, I'll take Goggy (beloved stuffed toy of choice) away

If you don't stop holding it, I'm going to make you eat mashed potato for the rest of your life.  Even for school lunches.  Cold.

When they failed, I went to the next step - bargaining....

If you stop holding it you don't have to eat pumpkin

If you stop holding it you won't have to brush your teeth (total false promise, which he saw through)

If you stop holding it, I'll take you to the dollar shop (failed because he knows he goes every week with the #1Grandparents, regardless of his boy bits holding ways)

If you stop holding it I will buy you a pony (another totally false promise that he also saw through)

Following those failures, I decided to probe a little deeper into the why....

Me  :  Why are you holding it?
Him :  Because
Me  :  Because why?
Him :  Just because
Me  :  But there must be a reason why?
Him :  Nope

Me  :  Do you hold it when you need to go to the toilet?
Him :  No, that's silly Mummy, ahahahahaha

Me  :  Do you hold it when you're scared / sad / tired / upset?
Him :  You're a poops head, ahahahhaha
Me  :  No really, Mstr5, you can tell me?
Him :  Poops head poops head poops head ahahahahaha

The final straw, begging, pleading, wreaking of desperation....

Me  :  What would it take for you to stop holding it?
Him :  Adventure Time
Me  :  The TV show?
Him :  Yes
Me  :  Ok, great!  So do you want to watch it?
Him :  No
Me  :  Do you want a toy from the show?
Him :  No
Me  :  Do you want a water bottle with Finn or Jake on it?
Him :  No
Me  :  Do you want a toy B-mo?
Him :  No
Him :  Ahahahahhaha (commences singing Adventure Time theme song)

I give up....mothers of boys, how did you get them to stop holding it?

I fear the downward spiral into a life of crime via gang association, being that he already has the standard pose down - hand on crotch, pants often falling low enough to show a small portion of butt crack.  I need to sort this shit out before he's spotted and someone attempts to recruit him.

Or is he just an early discoverer of what he will never ever let go of as he grows into teenager-hood?

Please tell me it's not that.

Then I got all distracted by the delightful Pharrell Williams and visions of our future life together with him worshipping my every shed word....



  1. I have nothing - I only had one girl BUT I did love reading what lengths you are prepared to go to to get him to stop holding his bits !!! Clearly you need to up the ante because you aren't offering enough - LOL !!
    Good luck - I know grown men who go around checking their bits are there more regularly than I think they should !!!
    Me xox

  2. I have three boys and trust me, it's the go-to accessory of choice. Wait until you have to start washing sheets daily and bathroom time is 45 minutes. Boys. But they do love their mommas. But I get the Pharrell. So word.

  3. I've got three boys and they no longer hold their bits. Can't remember why it happened or when it happened but somewhere between five and twenty-five it ceased to be an issue. Not sure if that's any consolation

  4. Maybe suggest that if he wants to hold his bits he must do it in his room only and not in public?

  5. My boyfriend is 27 and he still holds his bits all the time (only inside the house though although I'm pretty sure if he could when in public he would) I've been tempted to ask his mum if he did it as a child.

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