Sponsorship

Sponsorship - I need it.

What will I do for it?

Pretty much anything.

What could I do for it?

I’m super fast on a keyboard.  I could transcribe your grandmother’s mother's old handwritten recipes into electronic format.  I could type up all those irritating post-it-notes that seemed like a good idea at the time, but are now losing their stickiness and keep falling in your coffee.

I make a mean profiterole.  I could be your office tea lady.  Complete with hair net, slight limp, and gaudy apron, referring to everyone as Love or Pet.

I’m a complete pro at the surface clean.  I could save you big $$ on office cleaners, because the barely adequate wipe and sweep they do in a few hours, I can do in 15 minutes - while refereeing any infantile disputes between co-workers (verbal and/or physical), and preparing a nutritious afternoon snack.

I have an excellent phone manner.  No really, I do.  #1 Hubby and my own mother have called me at work and asked to speak to me, not realising I’m using my phone voice.  If you're a bit over dealing with the public, I will do it for you.  Pleasantly and politely.  You're welcome.

I can talk under water.  Probably not literally.  But you never know.  If you are bored, lonely, work in a solo environment, work best with background noise – I can help.

I can write under water.  Probably not literally.  But you never know.  I will find the humour in anything, and then exploit it to within an inch of its life.  Need to fluff up an official document and make it longer?  I'm really good at that too.

I'm all about the details.  I have been known to read through magazines and newspapers, highlighter in hand, circling spelling and grammar errors.  I could be that kind of picky for you and your business too.  What a treat, right?

I'm enthusiastic (that's the best possible description I can give it).  I can spruik your brand to anyone and everyone.  If it’s something I believe in, I will tell the world.  And I take direction very well, so if you're after something a little less vocal, then I can do professional too.  Unless you do literally want me to tell the world.  In which case, you've come to the right place.  Otherwise I also do refined and professional.   Really.

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In all seriousness, I have become quite enamoured with this whole blogging thing.  I’d love to attend the conferences and events that take place everywhere but here in Western Australia.  #1Hubby is fully supportive, except when I suggest he get a night job to fund my attendance at such events.  That’s where he draws the line, for some reason.  And so I have to pimp myself out to the interverse, hat in hand.

There are at least two large blogging conferences / events in Australia each year that I would dearly love to attend.  I'm also very keen to attend BlogHer in the US.

If you would like to partially or fully sponsor me, I would love you eternally and give you a kidney.  But not my liver.  Because I couldn’t, in good conscience, palm that off on anyone who was willing to give me money in return for it.

I’m open to pretty much any sponsorship arrangement.  Stick me in a sandwich board and shove me in the middle of the highway – I will represent you.  Likewise, dress me up in your branding and I will represent you at the blogging conferences and events.  Make me work for it on a regular basis however you see fit – I’m always looking for gainful employment that will work around my other semi-gainful employment (the kids).

Advertising, editorials, gratuitous site signage and links - all welcome inclusions to any sponsorship offers.  I'm not above tattooing, if you want a walking-talking logo.

I welcome contact from any brand or business interested in discussing sponsorship, and what you require from me in return.

I will even produce profiteroles, should you wish to meet and discuss said sponsorship.  Also, jazz hands.  Because I feel that any pitch is improved by the presence of jazz hands....ta-daaaa!

Now I will sit back and wait for the book deals, the column syndication, the international branding pitches, all of it.  And failing that, I will most likely be located on a highway, wearing a sandwich board, playing on the sympathy of unsuspecting motorists, to get me to the conferences and events.

How to contact me :

parentalparody@hotmail.com

If it wasn’t the internet I’d publish my mobile phone number - but if I get one more telesales call in the middle of dinner, I’m going to go all Naomi Campbell and toss the phone at the wall.  If you are serious about sponsorship, email me and I will gladly provide my phone details and/or arrange to meet with you.