Parental Parody: November 2010

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Technologically Gifted - Part 2

I'm super talented. I've added a Facebook Page....AND muddled my way through the technical side of adding a link to it from the site (game show hostess hand flourishes to somewhere on the right, wherever the Facebook like button is hiding).

Feel free to "like" me there, not only to make me feel special, but also to get the latest updates on my spectacularly average parenting skills!

Posted by Parental Parody at 6:52 PM

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Party pooper

Miss5 is great friends with a set of twin boys her age who she has known for all of her 5 years. I spend a lot of time mentally preparing for her arranged marriage with either one of the boys. I adore the boys and their parents - they are a great family who we really enjoy spending time with. So you can see how the next logical step is to dream up the marriage of two 5yr olds.

Miss5 was super excited to receive an invitation to their birthday party. So excited she asked me every single day since receiving the invitation "is it the party today?". In the morning AND at night - just in case it had been rescheduled since the morning. After two weeks or saying "not yet", we were both ecstatic when the day of the party finally arrived and I could say "yes, for crying out loud, yes! It is today!".

She then started asking if it was time to go to the party yet. Continuously. From 6am. Shame she doesn't apply the same enthusiasm to putting her shoes on the right feet.

We arrive at the party. To end this on a happy note would be to end it right here.

Posted by Parental Parody at 8:00 AM

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Friday, November 26, 2010

Christmas is coming....NOW!

Just a heads up to you all that Christmas is coming early this year. No change to Santa's schedule. No official shifting of the actual date of Christmas agreed upon by world leaders.

Just Miss5 choosing to start her Advent Calendar today (26th November, Perth Aussie time). I should also warn you that the countdown will go quicker than your standard lead up to Christmas. She started with two days instead of one, and has since leapt ahead to day 5.

At this rate we'll be celebrating the big day this weekend.

Next year I'm going for Chocolate-free Advent calendars.

Posted by Parental Parody at 12:21 PM

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Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Retail therapy and liberation

I love shopping, of any sort. Window shopping, online shopping, actual shopping, even grocery shopping. It's the highlight of my week to go through every aisle of the supermarket and try not to knock over the displays they stupidly stack at the end of each aisle...because it's sooo easy to steer a shopping trolley with a wonky wheel that weighs a ton and ALWAYS leans to the left AFTER you've selected it and started filling it with food - why not add obstacles to hamper your massive U-turn into the next aisle?

While my budget is much tighter thanks to the finance-sapping offspring, they have opened up a whole new world of shopping - children's wear / toys / consumables. I'm in heaven - instead of trying to justify my self-indulgent purchases to my conscience (AKA the Hubby), I don't need to because it's for my beloved children.

Miss5 is her Mother's daughter, and has been an avid shopper since she was a Miss3 - when she would rush between rows of clothes at Target, pulling random items off the racks to hold up in front of the mirror, before nodding at herself and saying to me "very nice, George" and throwing them in the trolley. Items such as men's "budgie-smuggler" swimmers, old woman granny knickers and bra's, and every other item of clothing not appropriate to her age. I spent a LOT of time putting things back (that's a slight lie...I spent a little time dumping stuff on random shelves when nobody was looking).

Posted by Parental Parody at 7:48 AM

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Sunday, November 21, 2010

I have a pram...and I'm not afraid to use it

I love my pram almost as much as my coffee machine and my children. When Miss5 was a Miss -0.3 I bought my first pram. Nothing flash, just a sensible, run of the mill pram.

I didn't get a pram that screamed "I can kick your ass with my enormous infant carrying version of a tanker"

"My off-spring are already booked into the poshest, most outrageously expensive private school's 1yr old pre-pre-pre-kindy because this pretentious minimalist pram-come-spaceship is an example of my enormous wealth".

I was not one of those mothers under the misconception that their pram is going to be doing a lot of off-roading and 4 wheel driving. Apparently. Because they need the most enormous wheels on earth, spaced so far apart they operate almost independently of the pram - the body of which is so large it dwarf's the adult pushing it - who is almost always clad in camouflage pants (one of THOSE mothers...refer to the Alpha Mothers post from 2 weeks ago and you'll know which type of Alpha Mum I'm referring to).

Okay, so perhaps a little teeny-tiny bit of pram envy towards those who could afford the posh and large sporty models.

Posted by Parental Parody at 8:00 AM

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Thursday, November 18, 2010

Poonami 2010

My learned friends at the Collins English Dictionary define a Tsumani as follows:

a large, often destructive, sea wave, usually caused by an earthquake under the sea

My poonami version:

a large, often destructive, poo wave, usually caused by a child removing their nappy PRIOR to the poo wave hitting land.

The other day, I went to wake my sleeping beauties from their afternoon nap. I got the first inklings that something wasn't right when I neared the top of the stairs and could smell something quite wrong. The closer I got, the worse it got.

Upon entering the room (bravely, minus a gas mask) Mstr2 is awake and smiling - typical that he saves his best behaviour for an audience of one sleeping twin sister in a darkened room. So it's definitely not him, because he screams his head off at any opportunity, and this would've been a prime excuse for him to let rip with a blood curdling holler.

Miss2 is blissfully asleep, looking deceptively angelic.

As I go to turn the light on, I trip over something....Miss2's nappy. Fan-freaking-tastic.

Posted by Parental Parody at 8:00 AM

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Monday, November 15, 2010

Breakfast in bed...sort of

Today's my birthday. I am 25...again....for about the 7th consecutive year. No wonder Miss5 is obssessed with being a Miss25 - she's so used to seeing her mother at that age.

So as I age in neutral (or in reverse, if I thought I could pull it off) I was treated to breakfast in bed this morning. Hubby was in a rush to get to work, Miss5 had to get ready for school, and the twins are off to Daycare. Brilliant forward-planning on my part, that my annual 25th birthday falls on the one Daycare day of the week.

Back to breakfast in bed. Hubby was so busy with the organised chaos that is every Monday (or generally every day ending in a 'y'), that he wasn't really officiating the breakfast preparations too closely. I was "treated" to (and I use that term loosely) toast, juice and yoghurt.

Yoghurt is different, but okay. I figure hubby has just bought a flavour I'm not familiar with.

Toast, burnt on the bottom but otherwise ok. Jam is a little tangy???

Juice - a total winner. Hooray, 1 out of 3!

Breakfast eaten with much fuss and adoring thanks. Hubby has been a trooper and got all 3 kids ready for school and daycare. Lunches made, bags packed, and off he goes to drop them all off before work.

I get out of bed.....

Posted by Parental Parody at 8:00 PM

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Friday, November 12, 2010

The adventures of Mullet Girl

If you've read my earlier October post When I grow up... you'll know that I survived the great permed fringe debacle of the early 90's, which put me off a career in hairdressing.

Miss5, showing shades of her Mother's genetic make up, likes to cut her hair - but not in a girly-girl who wants to be a hairdresser kind of way. Instead, she cuts her hair into a MULLET. For those of you not Australian-ised enough to know what this is - it is the 1980's iconic style of long back (with poncey layering for hardcore devotees), and very very short front and sides. Billy Ray Cyrus circa Achy Breaky Heart.

I'm not knocking the mullet, everything has its place - you know...in the 80's...or on bogan's hanging out in shopping centre car parks, wearing tight black jeans, faded old torn Metallica t shirts with flanelette checkered shirts over the top. Not on a Miss5.

Posted by Parental Parody at 8:00 AM

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Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Food : Not just for eating

Miss5 has always been great with food (that is, food she likes and is prepared to eat - and "none of that vegetable crap thanks" - her words). Try explaining to her that carrot (which she loves) is actually a vegetable, and she slouches on the table, face in hand, rolls her eyes like a Miss14 would, and says "yeah right Georgia", while waving her fork in the air. (I know she's serious and getting all Miss25 on me when we revert to being on a first name basis).

Mstr2 is the bain of my cullinary existence. His tastes change daily. What he loves in the morning, he's throwing on the floor by dinner time, then stands screaming at the wall for 15 minutes to reinforce his disgust. Thankfully, he is under the misguided notion that it is the wall that dictates the menu each day, and not me.

Miss2 is the opposite of her brother, and will eat anything. And I do mean anything. Her favourite snacks being cat biscuits, playdough, paper and soap. When these staples aren't available, she will eat anything that does actually belong to a food group. I try and discourage Miss2 from stealing the cat's food, with limited success. She likes what she likes. As a result, the cat is impressed that he's no longer receiving cheap crap, and is now being fed the best biscuits on the market - nothing's too good for my child...I mean cat...or, you know, either/both.

Posted by Parental Parody at 8:00 AM

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Saturday, November 6, 2010

Technical Glitch - UPDATE

Sorry everyone, my "Subscribe via email" link is not working for some reason. If you'd like to subscribe, please use the "Contact me" link instead, and send me a message with your email address and I'll manually subscribe you.

Thanks for your patience :-)

UPDATE

Problem solved. I smacked the computer a few times and spoke to it in a stern and motherly manner. We came to a truce - I have no idea what I'm doing on the technical front - therefore my email address is now displayed on the right (Game Show Hostess hand flourishes to the right).

Please email me with your email address if you would like to subscribe.

Or if you have any questions, suggestions, or would like to offer me lots of money to continue (or cease and desist) with the Blog.

For those who have previously subscribed via the original useless dodgy link - please send me an email to re-subscribe, as during our intense and heated discussion, the computer wiped all my original subscriber details (sooo petty of it to do that...). Apologies for any inconvenience.

Thanks everyone, have a fantastic weekend filled with mischief-free children!

Posted by Parental Parody at 8:40 AM

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Alpha Mothers

Overheard at the local park the other week....

I'm sitting on a bench, passively ignoring my lot who are enjoying the enclosed play area (I'm detailing the fact that it is enclosed, so you don't think less of my mothering skills for passively ignoring them).

Sitting on the next bench are 3 "Alpha Mothers". These are the Mothers who look like they're about to either:

a) go to war (camouflage clad to the extreme);

b) compete in some fashionable Olympic event (fashionable because their entire outfit is faux effortlessly co-ordinated; Olympic event because it's one of those sprayed-on lycra ensembles with impossibly white sneakers and pulled back hair).

Admittedly, I am channeling a circus clown in my get up of whatever mismatched items were at the top of the washing pile and therefore the least pungent.

Posted by Parental Parody at 8:00 AM

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Thursday, November 4, 2010

Technologically Gifted!

I'm spectacularly brilliant - this post is about me, not the kids, and not my parenting skills.

I've managed my way through the internet to add a Subscription link to this site. So please refer to your right (said with Game Show Hostess hand flourishes to the right of screen).

Extra points for the "Contact Me" link I also managed to find (more Game Show Hostess hand flourishes to the right). So if you have any questions - or want to offer me huge sums of money because you like my blog...or a job...or, most importantly, that free tummy tuck I was chasing in an earlier post - then PLEASE FEEL FREE TO CONTACT ME!

If you like my Blog, then please sign up as a subscriber. You'll receive email notification whenever I post a new entry about my fabulously feral kids, and my superbly lacking parenting skills.

I've already got the next 4 posts written and lined up for posting every few days - so please subscribe...or I may cry in that embarrassing way many women do at the "drop of a hat" after having kids. Bloody hormones! I blame the hormones!

Anyway I think I've earnt something strong for my efforts, so I shall celebrate with a flat white (it is only 9am here) and perhaps some bubbles tonight once the kids are asleep (or at least strapped to their beds so they can't get out).

Oh and please continue Ad-clicking on the site. I've amassed a great wealth of $4.48US in my first two weeks. I'm half-way to a cheap bottle of wine, I can hardly contain the excitement!

Posted by Parental Parody at 9:30 AM

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Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Dear Santa

Just in - Miss5's Christmas Wish List.

I know it's early - but the shops are engineering it that way, what with Christmas decorations ALREADY going up in some places!

Anyway I just wanted to write a quick post to share this one - the first thing Miss5 has asked for as a Christmas Present....

A new bottle of the hand disinfectant that they have in hospitals.

I "liberated" a bottle when Miss5's Grandfather was in there a few months ago (Private Hospital, so don't worry, I wasn't liberating anyone's tax dollars as such). The bottle is now nearly empty, and Miss5 is a bit concerned.

In considering her request, I think I should just say yes, or she may start looking for a way to put someone in hospital in order to replenish her supply.

It has recently come to my attention that said sanitiser is alcohol based, and I'm wondering if that may have something to do with her fascination (you know, child of mine...).

Just to be safe, I'm going to look for the organic decaff free range corn fed farm bred version this time. And limit her to one squirt a day.

Posted by Parental Parody at 9:01 AM

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Assisted beauty regime

I've come across a new beauty regime that I've been unwittingly partaking in the "clinical trial" of.

Unwittingly as in I had no idea. Clinical trial as in it's just never been done before as far as I'm aware.

Before you get all excited, can I just say that the following would be pushed to receive any official medical type endorsement beyond...say....Dr Seuss.

So now that I'm getting older (you know, over 24....ahem...) I've finally started my own little wrinkle fighting routine. A few months ago I went through the bathroom cupboard - ignoring the enormous mess (and layer of something that may or may not have been shampoo due to the foaming and the lavender and coconut aroma), and pulled out everything skin-related.

I'd been watching late night TV, and those bloody "Proactiv" ads that never end had scared me into action...with their perky 20-something movie stars, female surfers, token credibility-earning Aussie actresses etc etc - all with perfect skin and no children to keep them awake and give them dark circles under their eyes and wrinkles and frown lines and...getting off track.

Posted by Parental Parody at 7:30 AM

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Monday, November 1, 2010

First Sports Carnival...and the starters are in the gates...

Miss5 is in her first year of school, and was super excited leading up to her very first school sports carnival. Being in Kindergarten, they had their own token event at the start of the day, a simple running race of approximately 30 metres that they had been pracitising each day for the previous couple of weeks.

I'm there, on the sidelines with all the other parents. Miss5 is quite tall for her age, and as the Kindy kids are lining up, other parents are commenting on her height - she's a good head above most other kids in her class. I, stupidly, glow with parental pride and put my hand up to being the Mother of such a seemingly athletically gifted child.

At this point I should probably explain why that was a stupid move. Miss5 is the fruit of my loins, and as such, is genetically hampered with a total lack of co-ordination, and a serious aversion to most sporting activities - especially individual events - especially running. I spent my early school years suffering life threatening and traumatic (but ultimately fake) asthma attacks at the start of any individual sporting event. I'm fairly sure I'm the reason the town's Ambulance started showing up at our school sporting carnivals