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    Wednesday, August 31, 2011

    Zhu Fari by Zhu Zhu Pets : Review & Giveaway

    I've been feeling a bit sorry for myself this week.  And it's not the post-holiday blues, as I came crashing back down to earth and reality.  Although, it is depressing how quickly routine sets in again, and you start to ask yourself exactly how long ago the holiday was, and start hankering for another one!

    No, for the past week and a half I've been suffering from MAN FLU.  Even though I'm decidedly female.  It's been a nasty flu, complete with aches and pains and the dreaded....woe is me....feeling - the part of the flu that makes it man flu.  The intense miserable feeling sorry for ones self.  And I was severely disgusted by my extended family's lack of sympathy and concern.  Nobody listened when I told them how dire the situation was, not even when I realised I'd woken up in the middle of the night and was telling it to the bedside lamp - such was my delirium.

    There was one thing that broke me from my man flu woe is me state, as I started to recover from my near death masculine influenza maximus :

    A delivery!

    Zhu Zhu Pets - I've praised them in previous posts.  They are my discipline deputies whenever I need to wrangle the twins into submission.

    The kind and generous Louisa from Brand Meets Blog  took pity on me  decided I was a prime candidate to trial the latest offering from the Zhu Zhu Pet family - Zhu Fari.

    

    My biggest mistake was telling Miss5 this good news as soon as Louisa had confirmed the details. Every single day - both in the morning when she woke up, and again in the afternoon when the mail had been delivered - she wanted to know if it had arrived yet.  Every.  Single.  Day.

    "Is it here yet?"
    "Not yet"
    "Why?"
    "It's only been two days, give it time"
    "Whyyyy?"
    "Because it takes time to send things in the mail"
    "Whyyyyyyyyy?"
    [Insert pause as I count to 10 in my head]
    "Because mail has to travel from another place to get here"
    "Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?"
    "Because"
    "Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?"
    "Because it's the mail man's way of trying to teach you patience.  Because it's so much more fun this way, listening to you whine every day.  Because they ride the parcels all the way on a pushbike that gets a flat tyre every second day, and the chain comes off every other day."

    The Australia Post gods intervened at this point, and it arrived.  It only took 2 weeks, but it seemed like an eternity with the daily saga of Miss5 doing her best Days of Our Lives devestated pouty facial expressions, combined with her interrogatory and whiny whyyyyyyy line of questioning.

    Just for fun, I made her wait a full day before opening the box.  It was the only way I could get her to clean her room, do some reading homework, be nice to the twins, eat extra broccoli, and organise my nail polish collection.  That last bit was just to see how far I could push it.

    There was a great unveiling - as Miss5 meticulously removed every piece of tape, and carefully opened each item.

    We got an elephant.  Mambo is a blue elephant.  He's kind of like a Zhu Zhu pet with attitude and street cred.

    He is so freaking cute, but filled with attitude when you press his button.  I love him.  I may have possibly played with him more than Miss5.  But only because she goes to bed earlier than me, so I was afforded an extra couple of hours of night time play.  On a related note, he enjoys watching The Office, Modern Family and Criminal Minds.  I know this because he made all the right growling and/or purring noises at all the right times.

    The Zhu Fari accessory kit was interesting.  It took me a while to put it together, even with the assistance of instructions.  This could be down to the fact that I was highly distracted by Miss5 hogging the Zhu Fari while I was constructing its ramp.

    At first I thought it wasn't anything special.  Just a ramp.  But, put the Zhu Fari on there and it is hilarious.  It chatters away as it makes its way to the top, then stops - grunts and triggers the clasp for the gate below as it dives off the end.

    The twins, they are not quite as wary of the Zhu Fari as they are of the Zhu Zhu Pets.  Possibly because Miss5 and I sitting on the floor losing it laughing takes away from the fear and intimidation factor.

    Mental note to self : Do not ever sit on the floor laughing at the Zhu Zhu Pets or the Mister T pic, otherwise they'll be on to me and I'll be totally on my own with all future disciplining.

    If  you  your kids like the original Zhu Zhu Pets,  you'll  they'll love the Zhu Fari range.  They are like Zhu Zhu pets with attitude.  Just make sure you allocate fair play time  for yourself  so everyone gets a turn.

    Zhu Fari are available at all good toy and department stores.  Check them out.  They make an excellent  school holidays distraction  kids birthday present
    Note to #1 Hubby : For my birthday, can I please have vodka, diamonds AND a Zhu Fari of my own. Thank you

    The Zhu Fari collection
    For more info visit their website     www.zhuniverse.com


    The best part : I have a Zhu Fari pet and accessory to give away!

    For your chance to win :

    1.  Follow this blog
    2.  Follow on Twitter or Facebook
    3.  Comment with who/what you'd love in miniature electronic format - a la Zhu Fari

    Mine would be Mister T.  Because his pic is the only thing that will shut the kids up, so it would be awesome to have a little electronic version of him following the kids around the house, warning them off dodgy or destructive behaviour with an appropriately placed and semi-threatening "what you lookin at fool?"  and "you keep that up and you're gonna meet my friend painnnnn!".

    Entries close midnight (WST) Thursday 8 September.

    Entry is open to Australian residents only.
    Winner will be drawn by random.org
    Winner announced on the blog Friday 9 September
    Winner has seven (7) days to respond or prize will be re-drawn

    Good luck!

    Now I'm off to go  water the plants  clean the house  prepare a nutritious meal for my family  bond with my  kids  Zhu Fari.

    PS. Next I'm going to talk extensively about my love of all-inclusive holidays, in the hope that Club Med or Club Fiesta is reading this, and will offer me up one of their amazing all-inclusive holidays to test and review.
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    Monday, August 29, 2011

    Home Care Horror Monday : Part 14


    This is the grand finale for the first Home Care Horror Monday catalogue - in 2 parts.

    Before you cry hysterically, I said it was the first catalogue.  That's right, I've found 15 posts worth of craptastic crapness in just one catalogue.

    Since the first post, I've had people passing on other catalogues and items worthy of Home Care Horror Monday infamy.  So, fear not, I will continue!

    The final 2 parts are dedicated to fashion.  Fashion of the not-quite ooh la la! variety.

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Personal Sauna Belt  $12.90
    Colour me shocked, Home Care have removed this item from sale in between printing it in a squillion catalogues for distribution, and me writing this post.  So, once again, humble apologies for the crap webcam photography.  I will invest in a digital camera soon.  Promise.

    A personal sauna belt.  That's nice.  Especially that they made it Personal and not Shared.  You know, so you don't share the sweaty loving amongst your nearest and dearest.

    So you sweat yourself stupid in public, without any visible explanation why.  Instead, you'll simply look unfit, menopausal, or like you're detoxing and/or jonesing for a fix.  But you will have a decreasing waistline while the general public stops and stares at your sweaty self.

    On the plus side, your boobs will be sitting perkily upright beneath the massive belt. But, you'd better not breathe too deeply, lest you bust this bad boy open with one large gulp of air.

    Kind of reminds you of a pair of plastic, industrially tight, assless tummy-sucking knickers, no?

    Home Care Horror Rating : 5/5
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    Ruffled Swim Hat  $14.90

    Perhaps they were aiming for 1920's old-world glamour?

    They failed.

    I see this item being targeted at older ladies.  Call me crazy, but I'm going to run with that assumption.

    I see many saggy old ladies at the pool, in between daydreaming about Wentworth Miller while Miss5 does her swimming lessons.  They all wear the mandatory full body covering navy swimming costume.  They all wear ridiculous flouro coloured plastic Crocs / clogs.  I can forgive all of that, because not one of them wears one of these ruffled monstrosities.  The very second I see one, I am going to take the grandma down.  Full body-slam tackle, into the water.

    This item could only ever be passable on very young, super cute toddlers.  Enough said.

    Home Care Horror Rating : 4/5
     ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Toe Separator Socks  $9.90

    Sexy, right?  No?  Good answer.

    For when your toes are spending too much time cavorting, and they are in need of a time out and perhaps a trial separation.

    These remind me of those fingerless gloves, but for toes.  Only, fingerless gloves serve a purpose.  Not sure what these would be used for.  Perhaps keeping the rest of your toes cosy and warm while painting your toe nails?

    Pointless crap.  Belongs on a home shopping network, being given away covertly with every purchase.  But only covertly - as package stuffing (a la bubble wrap). 

    Home Care Horror Rating : 5/5
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    Stay tuned next week for the grand finale of Season 1 / Catalogue 1.  It includes the long awaited Snuggie piss-taking. 

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    Friday, August 26, 2011

    An open letter to Ikea


    Dear Ikea

    No, not you Sales, Customer Service, weird grocery and food items area, or various departments of furnishings etcetera.

    I'm talking to you, Ikea Foodhall peeps.

    I. Love. You.

    I love your meatballs with chips.  I even love that weird jam you serve with them.  I love that you never call me out on ordering a cheapie kids meal size for myself, even when I don't have any kids with me.

    I love that you have kiddy crockery and cutlery, all plastic and in abundant supply for when my kids drop it / stick it up their nose / throw it across the room like a projectile missile.

    I love that you have plastic cups for free water.  I really love that you turn a blind eye to my cheap self then using the free water cup to fill up on soft drinks.  It's not that I'm desperate for Lemonade and too cheap to pay for it.  It's actually just that I seriously love using the soft drink machine.  Really.  If you ever want to go full silver service and employ someone to fill the drinks - I am your girl.

    I love your cakes.  I loves your bottomless coffee.

    I love your kiddy play area, complete with movies and kiddy sized tables and chairs.

    I love your microwave for heating any food I may or may not have bought in with me.  Yeah I know that's not the intended use, but you let me do it anyway, bless you.

    I really love your free disposable bibs.  Which I may or may not have worn myself the last time I attempted your pasta neopolitana while wearing a white top.  But it's okay, because it was a kids serve and I sat at the mini kids table.  With ONE of my kids and SIX others that I did not even know - which made it a little awkward when trying to make polite dinner conversation, as I had no idea what my companions were into, and it certainly wasn't the weather, politics, the state of the economy, or global warming (which is probably for the best, as I know bugger all about any of these things).

    So now that I've done the right thing and built you up with all that love and praise....let me tear you down...

    Here's what I'm not so enamoured with :

    Having to PAY for a TEASPOON of cream to go with my cake.  If you were offering up a decent portion, then perhaps 50 cents would be acceptable.  To be honest, I didn't even bother checking what you were charging me for 2 x one teaspoon portions of cream, and I'm sure it wasn't much.  But still.  It used to be free.  And it used to be a much more generous serving when it was free.

    Actually that's all.

    I was all ready to launch into a ranty tanty soap box moment, but I've got nothing else to say about your foodhall.

    I will end it with a bit more loving :

    I love your $3.95 kids meal bags, because they are quite healthy, and the kids love them.  When I was there today, I stocked up and bought NINE of them, so that I can be my usual lazy self and not have to bother with their lunches for the next 3 days.  And I'm not even kidding.  I swear to Vodka, I did. 

    Totally worth the puzzled and horrified looks of other shoppers, as I pushed my trolley full of lunch bags and only 2 kids around your entire bloody shop, trying to find the bloody exit for over 20 bloody minutes.  I got a little bit dizzy, a lot disorientated.  At one point, I was going against the flow of the arrows taped on the ground.  I figured, what the hell - I'm already copping strange stares for my collection of kids lunch bags, I may as well go against the arrows too.

    And yes, it was a little bit of a thrill to rebel against the conformity-inducing arrows.

    But it didn't get me any closer to the exit.

    Anyway, Ikea, I just wanted to let you know that I visited you for one single item (and also a trip to your Foodhall).

    I did not get it.

    I did, however, get two packs of textas for the twin tornado.  They already have squillions, but what's another 24 among friends, right?

    I did, however, get a miniature plastic drinkware set for the kids.  They already have squillions, but what's another set of 8 among friends, right?

    I did, however, get a TV cabinet dirt cheap.  I wasn't looking for or in need of one.

    I did, however, get two sets of funky kitchen storage tins.  I wasn't looking for or in need of any.

    I did, however, get a great bathmat, toilet brush and holder, toothbrush holder (and therefore the *mandatory* matching cup and soap dish), and hand towels for the bathroom.  I wasn't looking for or in need of any of this.

    I did, however, get another odd wine glass to add to my set of unmatching wine glasses.  I wasn't looking for or in need of one.

    Anyway, beloved Ikea, I just wanted to let you know that it may be a while before I visit again.

    #1 Hubby is a bit peeved at my purchases.  He can sense credit card usage a mile away.  It is his own personal sixth sense.  He just happened to 'drop by home' in the middle of the workday, and caught me lugging the new TV cabinet inside.

    I had been planning on just sliding it into place, and hoping he wouldn't notice. It's white and tall, our old one was black and low....I may've been a bit optimistic to hope for this switch to go unnoticed.

    Anyway he was ok with it when I showed him what a bargain it was - and I do mean showed him - because he demanded to see the receipt since he is so used to me claiming every single thing I buy is on special / heavily discounted.

    And he was happy to see I was actually speaking the truth on this occasion.  Until the receipt kept unfolding, and unfolding, and unfolding.  Kind of like one of those 'ye olde worlde' scrolls being unfurled.  He walked over to the crazy cheap new cabinet that was a BARGAIN....and opened all the drawers and found everything else I'd bought, hidden inside.

    So, it will be a while before I'm allowed to come visit again.

    I know, I know, as if I'd ever let #1 Hubby tell me where I could go to shop or eat.  AS IF!

    But I'm going to let him think he's had a win this time.  Because I noted on your free kiddy-play area, that you don't take kids under 3 years of age.  I find this to be outrageously ageist of you!  Think of all the 2+2/3 yr olds who you are excluding!

    Coincidentally, the twin tornado happen to be 2+2/3yrs of age, and I would be more than happy to visit again, if I could  uncerimoniously dump  drop them off for a lovely 90 minute play while I enjoyed my $1.95 unlimited coffee refills in peace.

    Failing this change in your ageist age policy, I will see you in 1/3 of a year.  Save me 2 places in the play area please.

    Signing off,
    PP

    



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    Wednesday, August 24, 2011

    My parental escape


    Okay, so everyone knows by now that I'm not exceptionally talented on the parenting front.

    I adore my kids like nothing else.  But I'm not a natural at the whole parenting gig.

    That is my disclaimer of sorts, so you don't judge me on the following....

    La la la, I can't hear you...

    Over the past few months I've fashioned a parental escape of sorts.

    I've stocked it with books, magazines, chocolate, and even wine.  I shit you not.  There's even  a bottle of wine in my secret stash.

    Oh okay, so it's really a cask of wine.  And a sippee cup.  Because #1 Hubby would be onto me in a heartbeat if he found a wine glass up there.  Before you judge, I'm giving myself 'class' points for being a lady and using a cup of any sort, in light of the easy to use nozzle on a cask that would make it totally viable to lay back and suck directly from the cask.  Or, you know, so I imagine.

    Every night I seek solace in my special place while #1 Hubby is downstairs wrangling the twins in that hellish hour between dinner time and bed time, and Miss5 is in her bedroom drawing over everything but the appropriate colouring books and paper.

    I shut the bedroom door upstairs and then put a towel at the bottom.  To block out the chaos downstairs, and also because there's no locks on the bedroom doors and I need a few seconds to hide the chocolate if anyone tries to come in.  If anyone does come in and find the towel on the floor, I simply say it was hanging on the door and it fell down.

    Yeah I know, I’ve put way too much thought into it.

    Anyway, then I sit back and enjoy my special place.

    I read, I watch TV, I totally block out every other person existing under the same roof.

    Until #1 Hubby gets the phone intercom going.



    So, while he is kindly affording me that hour of peace, here’s what I deal with by means of the phone intercom :

    - Where’s the milk? 
      Mstr2 is lactose intolerant, so has his own special milk.  Which is conveniently
      located right next to the regular milk.

    - Where’s the wipes/nappies/nappy bags?
      They are sneaky inanimate objects that like to hide from #1 Hubby and his
      “bloke’s look” method of searching for them.  Every night.

    - What can I give them to eat to shut them up?
      Food.  Food would be my first choice.  But if you can’t find any of that, try playdoh.
      Same-same.

    - Where’s the TV remote?
      Hang on, I’ll just whip out my GPS and…wait a minute…whaddya know, it’s right here
      in this very house.  Somewhere downstairs where you are right at this very
      moment in time.

    Unless of course it’s one of those times I’ve taken the remote just to give him the shits and stop him from maxing out the volume to drown out the twins’ noise, and thereby disrupting my hour of peace as the sound of football permeates the entire house.
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    Monday, August 22, 2011

    Home Care Horror Monday : Part 13


    Lucky number 13!  To honour this, I'm going to dedicate today to handbags.

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    Kitten Design Shoulder Bag  $12.90

    Helloooooo Kitty!

    And goodbye.

    This belongs in the sandbox.

    I am a cat lover - but I would not be caught dead with this.  This is a bag for your stereotypical crazy old cat lady, who has no friends besides her 48 cats.  Probably because she scared all humans off with this bag.

    Home Care Horror Rating : 4/5
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Handbag Style Glasses Case  $8.90

    I was a long-term glasses wearer.  One of the most irritating aspects, for me, was having to lug around my glasses case.  Or cases, if toting both reading glasses and sunglasses.

    Not sure where the logic is, in creating a fancy pants glasses case that is, essentially, a miniature handbag.

    Too big, too impractical.

    Although, in these days of miniature handbags, this could possibly serve as a teeny tiny handbag for very petite, teeny tiny ladies.  Like gymnasts.  And jockey's.

    Home Care Horror Rating : 3/5
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    Handbag Organiser Bag  $19.90
    And yet again, apologies for the image quality.  Home Care had only the image on the left online, so I had to do another dodgy webcam pic to get the other image from the catalogue.

    Now I know there are many fans out there who love a good handbag organiser.  And I too understand their appeal.  What's not to love about something that can organise the contents of your handbag, and effortlessly slot in to each of your various handbags.

    It's just that I usually tote the one handbag.  I don't swap every day.  Also, unless I'm mistaken, these look suspiciously like a set of toilet bags, right?

    Nice try Home Care, but you have to get up pretty early in the morning to fool me...

    Home Care Horror Rating : 3/5
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    Arm Purse  $7.90

    Once again, I have to apologise for the image quality.  Home Care had a different image online to what's in the catalogue.  And the catalogue pic is far more worthy of craptasticness, so it called for another of my dodgy webcam photo's.

    Question : Where does my mobile phone fit?

    Also, my lipstick, my mini hairbrush, my compact, my pen, my date book, my collection of wadded up old receipts and shopping lists, my various credit cards, store cards and membership cards.  Oh, and the photo's of my beloved kids.

    Next time I go for a jog *cough* and need to take my wads of cash (probably to pay for a taxi home), I will totally invest in one of these.  *cough*

    Home Care Horror Rating : 4/5
     ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

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    Friday, August 19, 2011

    Beware the Grandparents!


    I write this post while seething.  In between yelling at the twins and saving plants and flowers from sudden death, I type.

    I think my parents are finally enacting their revenge for the many years of *bliss* I subjected them to as a child.

    In the interest of full disclosure,  before my Mother dobs on me and comments with all the gory details in a far too dramatic and inflated manner  I will admit to doing the following as a child:

    • I was caught with a lit cigarette in my mouth, out the back of the local pub.  I wasn't interested in smoking, only in holding fire.
    • I set fire to the car (and my legs) while I was in it, in the time it took my Mum to run inside and drop something at a friend's house.  Again, attempting to hold fire.
    • I set my cubby house curtains on fire.  Can you guess why?
    • I woke up in the middle of the night and decided to walk home from a sleep over, and get in my own bed.  Without telling anyone.  Which, unbeknownst to my slumbering self, caused a mass panic and search for about an hour, before I was discovered.
    All of this sounds semi-feesible for a teenager, right?  Sort of.  Maybe?  Well I'd *achieved* all of this before I hit double-digits.  Most of it by age 8, in fact.

    So my parents have had *a few* years to sit and stew and seethe.  A few years to plot and plan their revenge.  

    You know that old chestnut that all parents come out with :

    "Just wait until you have kids...."

    Now that time has come, my parents can hardly contain their sadistic delight.

    Grandparents may look all cuddly and silver haired (yes that's right Mum, I went there...) - but don't let that fool you.


    They are evil geniuses, who have spent a number of years waiting for us to befall the same fate they did - having kids.


    My parents have had almost 6 years to enjoy watching me go through the same stress testing parenting that they went through with me.


    Well, they went through it until I turned 12 and they shipped me off to boarding school (that's right Mum, I went there too...).


    They've loved every minute of it.  They don't even bother trying to hide their sick delight as I struggle to maintain control, as my voice escalates, as Miss5 morphs into a calculating and smart mouthed mini-me.

    But now they want more.  They want to see me suffer even more.

    So now they actively try and set me up.

    Bastards.

    #1 Nana comes to visit, and buys Miss5 lip gloss from the $2 shop.  I spend the next 2 days trying to convince her not to eat it.  And running behind her with a cloth to wipe it off of every. freaking. surface.

    #1 Pop takes the kids for milkshakes and chips.  Often an hour before a meal I've spent a great deal of time preparing and stuffing with healthy vegetables.
















    Today, it's raining so the kids are stuck inside.  #1 Pop (AKA the evil bastard) waltzed in brandishing a bag of marshmallows, and a bag of lolly snakes - and he specifically picked out the RED ones.

    He got 2 kiddy bowls, and filled them up.  FILLED. THEM. UP.

    Then, he waited for the twins to finish them, and filled them up again.  AGAIN.

    Then he said goodbye, and retreated next door to #1 Brother's house to read the newspaper in peace.

    WANKER.

    I think you'll agree, that, while it is highly disrespectful to refer to one's elders, parents, pretty much anyone as a WANKER - he totally deserves it, no?

    What ensued was a panicked rush of endorphins for me, as the twin tornado amped up to maximum feralness, on account of the severe sugar rush that was hitting them.

    I let them outside - in the light sprinkling of rain - out of desperation.

    Mstr2 was half running - half bouncing, on the outside of the trampoline.  Outside the safety netting.  He was brandishing a pink feather covered fairy wand in one hand, and a child sized cricket bat in the other.  He was smacking the crap out of anything in arm's reach as he ran/bounced around the outside of the trampoline.  The flowers, his sister, everything.  All the time, screaming out "I'm the man!" - his latest phrase of choice.  Word.

    Miss2 was hightailing it up and down the length of the backyard, arms outstretch and ripping out every single flower, leaf, branch that she came into contact with.  She stopped at the sand pit at the end, and screamed at it with all her might - before turning around and running back, again decemating my garden.  Repeatedly.

    Total mini-bastards.

    All on account of the sugar high created by #1 Pop.

    As this is taking place, he is sitting, reading the paper, in #1 Brother's courtyard next door, laughing as my voice gets to that high pitched, screachy, squealy level, as I struggle to maintain a sense of control.

    I am going to start frisking him before I allow him through the door.  If only they made lolly detectors like metal detectors, I would install one on the front door.

    Be afraid Grandparents, be very afraid....

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    Wednesday, August 17, 2011

    Heartfelt Homecoming



    So I arrived back from holiday in the wee early hours of yesterday morning.  Around 5am, to be precise.  Did you know people are actually awake and functioning at such an ungodly hour?  Madness…

    Anywho, by the time I got home from the airport, the house was in full swing.  As opposed to any other day, when the kids would still be asleep (allowing me to slip home and into bed for a few hours of shut-eye before they wake).  But not this time.  This time, they are fully awake before 6am.  I haven't slept in over 24hrs by the time I get home.

    As we all got out of the taxi, it was on.  The #1 Grandparents were shoving each other in an athletic manner that belied their *somewhat advanced* years, in order to squeeze past the cars in the driveway and get to the beloved grandkids first.

    Ahem…hello…parent here.  I trump everyone else.

    So as they were both clawing for the door, I squeeze in underneath (seriously…it was most refined and ladylike of me) and took all the glory and excitement for myself.

    #1 Hubby is alive.  And that’s impressive and reassuring enough for me, after 2 weeks alone with the kids.  I avoided too much eye contact with him, as I didn't dare assess the extent of under-eye baggage he accumulated over the past 2 weeks.  Mostly, because I was sure it would have killed my post-holiday buzz and replaced it with guilt.  Which would have been totally selfish of him.

    Miss5 was ricocheting from me to the grandparents, and occasionally off a wall, thanks to the severe lack of co-ordination she inherited from yours truly.  I have missed the shit out of her.  Something #1 Grandmother admonished me for telling her.  Probably because she replied with “I missed your shit too Mummy” in a squeaky and elated voice.

    We are nothing if not poetic and eloquent.

    The twin tornado weren't fussed.  Full stop.  They were all giggles and “Mummy Mummy Mummy”.  I went to speak, but was warned off by a severe “Uh uh!” from #1 Grandmother.  So instead I whispered into their hair as I smothered them in kisses and cuddles “Mummy missed the crap outta you two!”.  Typical Miss2 totally outed me, yelling “Crap crap crap!”.  Joined by Mstr2 in a more serene and loving “Yeah Mummy…crap”. 

    I just want to squeeze the life out of these kids.

    But they were a bit like "ok so you've had your standard morning cuddle, now buger off".  Seriously.  I put them to bed 2 weeks ago, and was gone when they woke up.  Now, 2 weeks later, I am here when they wake up - and you'd think I'd never been gone.  They were a bit perplexed by all the fuss, and just wanted breakfast.

    And Miss5 had to go to school, and only wanted me to do her hair and make her lunch.

    And so it was within an hour of walking in the door that I resumed my normal motherly type duties.



    It's great to be back, but give me a week and I’m sure I’ll also resume my normal motherly type whining.

    #1 Hubby looks more relieved and happy than I’ve ever seen him before.  More so even than that time I told him I was pregnant again, then waited 5 minutes before telling him I was only joking.

    He has completely eclipsed me on the school parenting front.  Apart from showing up on time every day, and remembering every extra piece of equipment on the correct day (despite my detailed and extensive written notes leading him awry with incorrect days for library books and show and tell).  In 18 months of schooling, I've done the parental class assistance once.  Not that I am lazy or don't want to do it, it's just hard with the twins.  He was left in charge for 2 weeks and he did it once, and had planned to do it again but something came up.  He has equalled me in just 2 weeks.  I shall hang my head in shame when I go pick Miss5 up from school today.

    Alarming realisation that, sure they're glad I'm home and I can resume my normal share of the workload - but - they all coped exceptionally well without me.  Dare I say, they flourished / prospered?
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    Monday, August 15, 2011

    Home Care Horror Monday : Part 12


    Hello interverse.  By now, I am a mere couple of days from the end of my Vietnamese casino and bar tour.  I will have wasted all of our life savings, and the kids' education funds.  So I will be looking for a job when I get back.  I wonder if the Home Care people will hire me?

    So, back to the whole personal grooming theme from last week.
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    Facial Hair Remover  $3.90
     Ouch.

    And also, WTF? 

    Honestly, do you know any female that would think "hey, I've got 10 minutes to kill - why not go rake a tight coil over my face to do a faux-shave of any facial fuzz"?

    Let me answer that for you : No, you don't.  Nobody does.

    Again with the whole hair removal that is not a razor but is exactly as bad as a razor.  Only, in this case, I think a razor would be a better idea.

    If wax and laser hair removal treatments - hell, even bleaching - became extinct.

    Home Care Horror Rating : 5/5
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    Ladies Posture Support  $14.90

     Ladies Posture Support.  Sadistic male bastards invented this.  It's not enough that we have to wear back aching bra's - now we get to feel even more unsexy with this contraption.

    Fairly confident this would actually induce back pain.  It's just nasty.  Seriously. It's like half way to being mummified. 

    Home Care Horror Rating : 4/5
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    Hairdressing Scissors & Thinning Scissors (2 pairs)  $6.90

     Another item that would have Miss5 drooling.

    But seriously, who pays $6.90 for a set of hairdressing-standard scissors?  I asked my hairdresser, and she said real salon scissors are at least $200 a pair.

     Also, who would be crazy enough to get a set of thinning scissors and go to town on their own hair?  Umm...to point out the obvious...you may profess to your kids that you have them - but you do not have eyes in the back of your head.  Although, if you do attempt to use these thinning scissors, you could well craft yourself a couple of bald patches to house eyes in the back of your head.

    The mind boggles.

    Home Care Horror Rating : 5/5
      ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Hair Catcher  $14.90
    Of course, if you are going to attempt the DIY hair-thinning, you will need one of these.

    In fact, if you do go through with purchasing the world's cheapest hair scissors, and using them on yourself - you should just wear this out in public.

    Go ahead.  By now you've really got nothing to lose.

    Home Care Horror Rating : 4/5
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