Parental Parody: August 2012

Friday, August 31, 2012

FFS!? Friday: Shit Mummy

I am currently without FFS-worthy material. My new fridge arrived Wednesday afternoon and the world is a shiny, glossy, arctic white kinda place at the moment.

It very nearly wasn't, however. So sit back and let me regale you with the FFS-worthy tale of when I first set eyes on my new beloved appliance....

I spent weeks researching our new fridge.

#1Hubby was all silent and non-commital throughout the selection process. No opinions, nothing. And from a man who would make sweet love to his bloody ironing board if it were possible, I have to say, I was expecting a little more enthusiasm over such an enormous whitegoods purchase. FFS.

So last Sunday we went to our discount retailer of choice.

At this point my household goods lovin' Hubby emerged, wanting everything but the fridge I had pre-selected. FFS.

I used all my wifely means to passive-agressively convince him that he wanted the fridge I had chosen.

I signaled the end of dicussion by dramatically stalking over to the rice cooker section. I blew ours up last week (FFS) and so we also needed a new one, as I have no bloody clue how to cook rice the old-school way. FFS.

The kids followed me, because they're insightful beings who know that Mummy always wins and Daddy's resistence is futile.

I grabbed a rice cooker, barked over my shoulder "C'mon kids!" and we stalked back to the fridges.

#1Hubby had taken adequate time to correct his thinking, and it was agreed that we would get my fridge.

So then I inserted the required half hearted mumble about how it wasn't fair if he just gave in because I wanted the other fridge, and that we would get the one he wanted....

At which point he very enthusiastically insisted we get the one I had researched. Works every time, heh.

As we were sorting out delivery of my gorgeous hunk of coolness, it was Miss3 who piped up with the question of the day...

"Where's JJ?"

We looked around. No Mstr3 anywhere. FFS.

Instantly, my mind goes to that mother-place where I'm picturing his organs on Ebay. FFS.

I panicked and took off back to the rice cooker section, screaming out "JJ?! JJ?! JJ?! JJ?!".

Other shoppers looked on, perplexed as to why this ranty mad woman was running around repeatedly shouting out a single letter of the alphabet. FFS.

I saw him being led to the front of the store by an employee, so I yelled out:

"THAT'S MINE!"

Everyone turned to look. Mstr3, who had been happily chatting to the stranger ~~who could've quite easily walked him out the front door never to be seen again~~, ran up to me yelling:

"Shit Mummy! Where were you?"

Miss3 giggles and joins in, followed promptly by Miss6.

I am now surrounded by kids yelling:

"SHIT SHIT SHIT!

SHIT MUMMY!

SHIT SHIT SHIT!"

A few FFS-worthy things....

Neither #1Hubby or I even noticed that Mstr3 was not with us. Stellar parenting. FFS.

My kids were swearing at the top of their lungs in a crowded shop. Classy. FFS.

They were circling me as they did so, meaning I couldn't covertly back up and disassociate myself from them, so that nobody would peg me as the parent of such foul mouthed little darlings. FFS

The end result - I looked all kinds of neglectful and all kinds of trailer trash. FFS.

Shit Mummy allright - All starry eyed and distracted by a fridge plus the glow of a marital victory, and didn't realise one of my children was missing....

Posted by Parental Parody at 5:00 AM

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Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Illness and Whitegoods

This post comes to you from the edge. From the very brink.

I am suffering, I am ~~on my death~~ in bed.

Suffering from a chronic and life-sucking case of Man Flu, for women.

Thank the Vodka Gods for Wifi.

How do I know it's man flu? Because I'm exta whiney and all woe is me, why isn't everyone dropping everything to tend to me?! The kids all have head colds too - in their usual caring and sharing way they've passed it on to me - only I have it much worse.

Obviously.

I feel super sorry for myself. I am sicker than anyone else. I surely warrant some killer meds and a few nights being waited on in a hospital bed.

Not really, but as Man Flu dictates, I certainly wouldn't pass the opportunity up.

Anyway I'm going to have to snap out of my Man Flu haze...because

MY NEW BELOVED IS FINALLY BEING DELIVERED TODAY!

I have not been this excited since I bought the Nespresso home.

Or the time I found out about flavoured vodka.

So I'm going to take a liberal dose of this:

...and then get down business and empty and farewell ye olde late 1980's fridge, cleaning under and behind it for the first time in ~~over 17 years~~ a while.

Then I will freak out about future hand prints, door slamming, hidden vegetables rotting, sticky spillages and other such violations to my newest love, before it even arrives.

I am a worrier, and a planned, advanced worrier if nothing else.

Then I'll console myself with the fact that it makes ice and dumps it into the ice tray without me having to chip ice trays from the overly iced-up shelves, and then snap the bloody cheap ice trays while trying to lever the ice cubes out.

It is going to be awesome. I may even maintain a coat of nail polish for at least 3 days without chipping it on said ice cube removal process.

It's probably a bit sad that I'm this excited about a whitegoods delivery.

Shut up. I'm sick.

Posted by Parental Parody at 5:00 AM

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Monday, August 27, 2012

Hello? Is anybody there?

You know you're an over-tired parent when....

The other day our home phone kept ringing.

I would pick up, and all I could hear was my own voice echoing....

"Hello....hello?....HELLO!?.....*muttered shed words*....".

This happened four times.

I don't have caller ID, so I had no idea who I was intending to abuse, should it happen again.

Many people would say ignore it, don't pick up, let it go through to the answering machine - but I was in the mood for some ranty yelling, so I was actually quite looking forward to the overseas call centre finally getting their shit together and connecting correctly.

At the very same time as all of this was happening, I was on my mobile attempting to call #1Hubby about an urgent and important matter that could not wait until he got home from work that afternoon.

It was of such critical importance that I completely forgot what it was after the first prank call to the home phone.

Only on my fifth attempt to call #1Hubby, completely incensed about the repeated prank calls and ready to vent and rant to him about it....did I realise that I was attempting to call the wrong number under #1Hubby's various contact numbers on my mobile.

I was trying to call him...at home.

That's right, I was phoning myself.

Unwittingly pranking myself.

Shouting hello to myself, and the faint echo that I could hear was what my mobile phone, in my other hand, was picking up.

Seriously, should I have ever been allowed to procreate?

Totally unrelated to the post, but this image came up when I searched for "phone fail". Check out the brows, yo!

Posted by Parental Parody at 5:00 AM

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Friday, August 24, 2012

FFS!? Friday: Of poorly parenting and goats

On Wednesday I reminded another school Mum about the great annual Book Week dress up parade that was to take place at school the following day. We joked about having to rush out to Red Dot and buy the cheapest costume on offer, then convince our daughters that they really loved the associated book and that's why they want to go to school dressed as said character.

I was all kinds of smug parent following such awesome foresight and planning and reminding and assisting another mother, yo.

The following morning (yesterday) we got ready for school as normal. 3 minutes before we were officially later than late, Miss6 remembered Book Week and the associated costume requirements. FFS.

Being that we were due at school like 17 minutes ago, I literally grabbed the most garish, rhinestone encrusted, bright clothing that Miss6 owns (and there's a lot to choose from, my friends) and a couple of stray $2 shop coloured hair extensions that had attached themselves to the carpet in her room. I told her that she could say she was Hannah Montana or a Bratz Doll. She chose Bratz (phew...).

Parent fail. FFS.

Parent fail following the smug glow of being the "organised" parent reminding others of the very event I forgot less than 24hrs later. FFS.

Speaking of Miss6 - she has taken over my the iPad. FFS.

As soon as she found YouTube it was all over. Nobody else has any hope of using it. She is like a rabid dog, who snarls if anyone else attempts to get within 10 metres of the thing. FFS.

If I hear one more bloody 1Direction or Justin Bieber song my ears will start bleeding. And my brain will implode. ~~And I will start singing along like I have done every single day~~. FFS.

I received an email about a new Aussie short film for kids, by PROREVOLUTION Films.

I figured it was my chance to distract Miss6 from 1D and Bieber, so we watched it. Miss6 is mesmerised by the short film I'm 5 AKA The Horse, The Doll & The Goat Whisperer (No FFS).

It's unlike any other child's story/clip I've ever seen, and Miss6 was completely taken with it. Particularly the goat. I'm ecstatic that she's forgotten about 1D and Bieber, for the time being (No FFS).

I'm now eagerly awaiting their next child-friendly clip. Thank the Vodka Gods there are no perky teenagers in brightly coloured lycra, prancing around, singing preppy songs that make me want to repeatedly slap them upside the head with Justin Bieber's hair after a full can of hairspray has hardened that sucker up real good.

Lethal weapon hair: The next line of defence and personal protection.
For when the bodyguard is busy or has his hands full with the screaming masses of teenage girls ~~and their mothers~~

Posted by Parental Parody at 5:00 AM

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Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Suck it

#1Nana is currently off on yet another overseas junket.

In order to distract me from her reckless spending of my ever diminishing inheritance, she bought me these:

The straws, not the child.

Ridiculously long straws, as evidenced by the fact that they dwarf Miss3.

#1Nana said they were for my own health and well being.

ONE METRE COCKTAIL STRAWS.

To keep me further away from the cocktails, so that it takes me slightly longer to drink them.

With the added benefit of perhaps tiring me out earlier from all that extra sucking. Which can only mean clearer skin, better pores, less wrinkles.

While I certainly appear intoxicated, I am not. I'm simply concentrating really hard to get that sucker in my mouth.

Clearly it does nothing for my frizzy hair. Pity.

I may also need to see a Chiropractor on account of the bodily contortions required to hold my drink far enough away to use the bloody straw.

She was undoubtedly taking the piss, but it is possibly the best smart ass gift I’ve ever received. Also, I will save at least one for when she's old and decrepit and is living on a liquid diet, taking all sustenance via a straw. Heh. Payback is a bitch, even if I'll have to wait 20 years for it.

One down, 24 to go. 23 after I save one for #1Nana's old aged care and sustenance.

Posted by Parental Parody at 5:00 AM

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Monday, August 20, 2012

iWin the household goods war

After #1Hubby’s recent investment in his newest love interest, I decided it was my turn to ~~retaliate~~ treat myself to some appliance loving.

Not like that y’all.

So I went out and bought the iPad I’d been threatening to buy since back in ye olde iPad1 days.

I bought the newest family member home.

I gently removed it from its packaging.

I caressed it as I swiped my way through applying my settings.

I lovingly whispered “SHITTING BASTARD THING, WHY WON’T YOU SWITCH OFF?!?!” when it was time to start dinner and I couldn’t work out how to turn it off.

As #1Hubby walked in the door he went straight to his bloody ironing board to check that the Twin Tornado (who were in the laundry at the time) weren’t defiling his beloved with their sticky fingers.

I smirked at my new beloved, which I noted blended beautifully with my other great love – the Nespresso coffee machine. Sigh.

My 2 great loves, side by side

#1Hubby came in the kitchen to see what was for dinner. He looked all around me. Everywhere but at the iPad.

So I kept stroking my beloved while in the kitchen, under the pretence of cooking dinner, while sipping wine.

Still, not a clue how to turn the bloody thing off.

#1Hubby came and went over the next hour, never once noticing.

As we sat down to dinner, he said:

“I’ll just go turn off that $500 credit card purchase for you, shall I?”

MOFO bastard….I should never ever have clued him in to the wonders of Internet banking.

Also, this is as far as I was able to get to my beloved once The Feral Threesome found it:

Aerial shot, taken from behind the crowds, standing atop their kiddy table in the kitchen

Posted by Parental Parody at 5:00 AM

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Friday, August 17, 2012

FFS!? Friday: No longer #1 in Hubby's heart

Today I'm getting equal parts ranty and whiny about whitegoods/household products.

Whitegoods/household products and #1Hubby.

Whitegoods/household products and #1Hubby and my place in his heart.

During the week, #1Hubby went out and purchased a new ironing board cover.

I don't iron, ever. So he alerted me to his purchase by making out with said ironing board. FFS.

Clearly the end of the Olympics has caused some sort of mental breakdown in his sports-addicted self. FFS.

Not only did he buy a new ironing board cover, he got it from one of the most expensive stores in all the land. FFS.

Clearly the man has no shopping sense. FFS.

#1Hubby appears to be dry-humping his beloved ironing board. Coincidence? I think not. FFS.

He paid the equivalent of ~~three 4 litre casks~~ a couple of bottles of impressive wine. The kind you would gladly walk into a restaurant or dinner party brandishing the label of, hoping that others will notice. FFS.

I have caught #1Hubby talking to the ironing board cover more than once. FFS.

I'm talking sweet talking, whispering sweet nothings at it when he knows I'm around. FFS.

I genuinely believe his emergency evacuation list of priorities has changed, and I am the loser. FFS.

#1Hubby's Emergency Evacuation Plan Pre-fancy pants ironing board cover:

1. TV

2. Mobile

3. Kids

4. Me

5. Carlton Football Club crap

6. Booze

7. Irreplaceable mementos, pictures, birth certificates etc.

#1Hubby's Emergency Evacuation Plan Post-fancy pants ironing board cover:

1. TV

2. Mobile

3. Kids

4. Ironing board cover

5. Me - assuming he can leave his ironing board for long enough to rush into the burning building and save my unconscious, singed self. I will be found between the laptop and the coffee machine. I will have succumbed to smoke inhalation while trying to decide between which of those devices to save first.

FFS.

We need a new fridge. I'm buying it, just to be safe. FFS.

Don't even bother trying to choose. I've already chosen a far superior 'household appliance' of my own to replace you. Mine cooks gourmet meals while entertaining me with his witty repartee.

Posted by Parental Parody at 5:00 AM

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Monday, August 13, 2012

Counting: 1, 2, 3, moofteen

I bet ye olde Peeps from around 30,000BC (or 35,000BC, depending on which Google or Wiki God I listen to) are a bit embarrassed right now.

They put a lot of effort into creating the number system. Which shows, because it stuck, it grew on us, and we all use it to this very day.

Only, they forgot a number.

MOOFTEEN

It is pronounced 'woof' but with an M. Please don’t make the error of saying 'moo' like a cow. Because that would just be ridiculous….

Mstr3 is clearly going to be the smartest being of all time, since he picked up on their ancient error.

Observe….

Me: Mstr3, how many times have I told you to get your finger out of your nose?

Mstr3: Umm….moofteen times

Me: Mstr3, how many pieces of carrot did you eat?

Mstr3: Moofteen

Me: Really. So, none then?

Mstr3: No, I really did. I really really did. I had moofteen carrots.

Me: Mstr3, shower time

Mstr3: I don’t wannaaaaaaaaaaa

Me: Just 5 minutes, it won’t take long

Mstr3: Noooooo!

Me: YESSSSSSS!

Mstr3: NOOOOOOOOOO!

Me: If you have a shower I’ll let you watch LazyTown for 5 minutes

Mstr3: No. Moofteen minutes

Me: …..Little mini bastard…..

Me: Mstr3, where are the kiddy vitamins?

Mstr3: I ate them

Me: WHAT?!?! HOW MANY DID YOU EAT?!!??!

Mstr3: Only moofteen

Me: OMG OMG OMG

Me: I love you Mstr3

Mstr3: I love you too Mummy

Me: I love you lots and lots and lots

Mstr3: Yeah I love you moofteen

So I’m thinking moofteen is the mathematical equivalent of a shitload.

And here endeth the lesson.

On to other things....

The winners of the Omrah Wines giveaway are:

Mum of Adult Kids - for her preferred wine accompaniment being a bloody big glass. Word

Melinda - for enjoying her wine on a Friday night with a fellow Mum and a good giggle.

Simmo - for the ultimate Aussie style accompaniment - Cheese Twisties!

In the words of hard core rapper, Moofteen Cent, go party like it's yo birthday, winners!

Posted by Parental Parody at 5:00 AM

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Friday, August 10, 2012

FFS!? Friday: The Corporate Edition

I've worked all week in the office of my Saturday job, so I've been blessed with hours of silence and nothing but the internet and flat white's to keep me company. No FFS!?

I did, however, have to pay a mint in Daycare fees for the Twin Tornado, and so I was pretty much literally working for love, not money. FFS!?

Can I just say, I bow down in awe of all the single parents, parents who work full-time, and any other kind of parent who juggles work and/or solo parenting. That shit is tough. I'm all Whiny McWhinerson after one single week. Respect, yo.

Anyway, back to me....

Someone - NOT ME - sent the office kitchen into plumes of smoke when they forgot their charcoal toasted treat. Adrenalin shot through me as I realised...

FIRE ALARM = FIREMEN

I immediately applied lip gloss and volunteered to be Fire Warden and Chief Fire & Rescue Liaison, since the regular Fire Warden is on leave and I'm covering for her this week - so surely that means I am automatically the logical choice for the role.

The boss didn't seem too amused, impressed or swayed by my logic. Probably because he owns the building and so he'll be footing the bill for the false alarm. But still, I would've been super welcoming and friendly and I'm positive I would've represented the company....well. FFS.

I saw 2 firemen out of the 2 crews that showed up:

Fireman #1: Sans uniform. In an entirely civilian outfit that did nothing for me
Fireman #2: Sporting enough of a middle-aged paunch that his yellow jacket looked more like a Teepee

Expecting something like this...

...the reality was closer to this. FFS!?

Fireman Fail. FFS!?

Speaking of clothing...

I wore my clothes backwards - top and bottom, the whole outfit - on Wednesday, thus blowing my attempt at Corporate Chic (Corporate Chic circa 1992...wardrobe FFS!?). FFS!?

I only detected my fashion faux pas when I went to the bathroom - MID MORNING - after doing the school run, the Daycare run, the mail run, the building run where I regale the other company in the building with my witty repartee (which is clearly not what they found so amusing on that particular morning...). FFS!?

In my defence, elasticised clothing is incredibly difficult to navigate sometimes. What with the lack of zips and buttons and obvious necklines. FFS!?

Ironically, my backwards work attire comes from the same era as backwards jeans toting Kris Kross, yo.

#1Hubby has been all about the schmooze this week - work conferences and conventions and dinner dates. So, not only have I been all Corporate Barbie Fail all week, but I've also been keeping the home fires burning solo too. FFS!?

I've been the one to rush home from work via school and daycare, hit the epic homework list, pretend to listen to reading, referee over-tired, cranky, warring twin toy hostage negotiations, create culinary masterpieces with at least 5 veg, then force/bribe/beg/threaten/bargain/tantrum the kids into eating it, bath them, put them to bed, get shit organised for the next day....and then, right as I get to sit down in front of the TV/laptop, #1Hubby walks in the door and comments on how nice and quiet it is - which obviously means things have been just as blissful and serene prior to his 3 mini MOFO offspring being put to bed. Extra massive enormous MOFO. FFS!?

Is it any wonder I wear my clothes backwards? FFS!?

And just one final reminder to enter my winetastic Omrah Wines giveaway which closes tomorrow.

Posted by Parental Parody at 5:00 AM

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Monday, August 6, 2012

Fruit and veg for your feet and your soul

I went shopping without the kids. It was a quick trip for some fresh fruit and veg.

I came home with these:

Fruit...

...and Veg

I’m convinced that these will nourish my soul as much as any fruit and veg could otherwise provide personal nourishment.

As far as the rest of the family is concerned, it’s baked beans for dinner tonight kids.

Three serves of vegies? Awesome parenting on my part.

Have you entered my Omrah Wines giveaway?

Posted by Parental Parody at 5:00 AM

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Friday, August 3, 2012

FFS!? Friday: Featuring wine and Justin Bieber

By 8:40am last Friday, I had already started this week's FFS!? Friday post. FFS.

I spent last Thursday night harassing Miss6 to learn about mice, so she could wow the crowd with her assigned Show & Tell News topic last Friday.

#1Hubby bleeted something about helping, so I sat him and Miss6 down in front of the Google Gods while I made dinner. If I hadn't intervened, Miss6 would've been wowing the class with stories about how mice die, what animals they eat, and how many babies they have. FFS

Can you guess how popular I would've been with Miss6's teacher and the other parents if I'd sent Miss6 to school to talk about those shocking facts in a class full of 5 and 6 year olds? FFS

#1Hubby was removed from homework duty on his first attempt, so now I do dinner and homework because I'm MOFO SuperMama (able to cook and educate at the same time, capable of leaping lego buildings in one single bound, faster than a speeding projectile/texta/vomit - you get the picture). FFS.

Not only are mice incredibly boring, FFS, but it turns out I was a week early, and now I have to convince her to do it again today. FFS.

While focussing on her week early news item last week, I totally forgot to hand in her homework for the week. FFS.

School closed early on Friday. Crazy early. Before lunch time. FFS.

Same again on Monday. FFS.

I'm still living the Olympic Nightmare. FFS.

Miss3 was being super cute at swimming lessons, and so I had a ladylike chuckle (read: unflattering donkey-like guffaw/brey)...right at the exact moment another mother who was walking past me almost slipped on the wet floor. Other mother assumed I'd laughed at her, and shot me the death stare for the rest of the lesson. FFS.

But really, it was a total "two-for" in the words of my girl Jessica Simpson. I totally enjoyed the half-splits of the slippery Mumma as much as Miss3 bouncing around in the water.

In case you missed it, I posted an awesome Wine Giveaway on Wedneseday. Unfortunately, I forgot to include the witty images I had carefully trawled the internet to pilfer. FFS.

So here they are for you to enjoy completely out of context now:

I had to write a work article that referenced Justin Bieber. FFS.

It included watching a number of Bieber clips, and towards the end the subliminal brain-washing was clearly working, as I found him ever so slightly attractive and talented. FFS.

I had to learn how to spell Bieber. FFS.

Posted by Parental Parody at 5:00 AM

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Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Three hot couples and a Giveaway

I've probably mentioned this only a squillion times before, but I went to boarding school with a girl whose parents owned a winery in the South West of Western Australia. Where all the good wines are produced. If only I'd known at age 13, just how important the good stuff would be in my adult years. I would've made a concerted effort to become life long besties with that girl.

Sadly, we drifted apart and she's not on Facebook therefore I can't find her to reconnect and suck up.

But all is not lost, as I met the obliging Marketing Manager of another West Australian winery at the recent Good Food & Wine Show - Plantagenet's Omrah Wines.

Back in ye olde days when I first discovered wine, I started as a red-only girl. Then I swapped to white-only, for no apparent reason. And in the past few years I've started to ~~rely on~~ enjoy both red and white - because I'm all for a total open door, non-discrimination policy when it comes to my wine consumption these days.

So back to Plantagenet's Omrah Wines and why you should be even more excited about them than I am.

Thanks to having all my senses and faculties (it was early) at the start of my wine sampling journey, I managed to talk my way into six of Plantagenet's Omrah Wines for a giveaway.

Now I've got your attention...

I have sampled all of these fine wines. Not from the giveaway bottles, don't worry.

I have honestly enjoyed all of them. And it's good to know that I can head to my local bottleshop and buy a bottle for around $20 or less. That's very important in my ongoing struggle to balance quantity AND quality.

Behond, three of the hottest, most in demand couples I know:

Omrah 2010 Shiraz Omrah 2011 Chardonnay

Omrah 2010 Cabernet Merlot Omrah 2011 Chardonnay

Omrah 2011 Pinot Noir Omrah 2011 Savignon Blanc

To win:

1. Follow this blog, so that you can listen to me whine about having to part with all that wine

2. Follow Omrah Wines on Facebook. Where else would one go to gush over them?

3. Comment below with your favourite wine accompaniment.

It goes without saying that mine is more wine, and also cheese. Cheese served on by George Clooney.

For extra entries:

Share the competition on Facebook and/or Twitter.

Remember to tag me if you share, otherwise how will I know that you're so keen to win?

Entries close midnight (WST) Saturday 11 August, and winner will be announced Monday 13 August.

The fine print:

Entry is open to Australian residents only

Maximum three (3) entries per person:

-1 for Follow and comment

-1 for Facebook share

-1 for Twitter share

Entries close midnight (WST) Saturday 11 August

Winners announced on "The Three B's" (Blog, Book, Bird) Monday 13 August

Winners have seven (7) days to respond with their details, before I seriously consider necking their prize, but reluctantly conduct a re-draw instead.