Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Just gave myself a promotion to Middle Management

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I totally did.

Our 15th Wedding anniversary is just a couple of weeks away, but #1Hubby and I have reached a far more significant milestone.  One neither of us thought we'd survive - 

THREE WHOLE MONTHS of #1Hubby working from home.

I haven't muttered nearly as many shed words under my breath whilst wishing him sharp pointy objects in various parts of his person as I'd anticipated.

He has shhhed me or mistaken me for his Tea Lady slash IT guru slash Receptionist only a few times.

Of course, this surprisingly harmonious co-existence 24/7 has been aided by the fact that I am now working part time outside of the home.

Meaning that, most days, we see each other about as much as we used to when he worked from an office.

Hence, it's worked a treat.

Apart from losing the ability to do bugger all on my days at home, and then madly scramble to strategically place the mop near the door so he thinks I've done housework.  That is null and void now that he's home to witness my reality TV addiction.

And also my shopping addiction, be it via frequent courier deliveries or my many failed attempts to stealthily pass by him toting multiple non-grocery bags.

Monday was the first day I've spent at home since he's taken up home-office residence in a long time.

And while I did not once chastise or attempt to irritate him, I did take great delight in advising him that I would henceforth like him to address me in the tone with which he spoke to that last caller; the patience and understanding from the one before that; and the good humour of the three before those.

In short, I spent the day congratulating him on his supreme phone manner, and pointing out how he would do well to use the same skillz with me.

And then, as a show of good will, I made him a coffee.

This counts as a verbal contract, right?

And between us, I'm also pretty sure I'm like his Line Manager or something, on account of my awesome supervising and positive reinforcement.  Middle Management, baby!

Now to source this item for a little home office visual comedy.  Since I am the gift buyer in the house, I will get it for him to give me in our 2 man home office Secret Santa.

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Friday, September 12, 2014

FFS!? Friday : Top 10 reasons my kids refused dinner this week

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It's funny, until you're living it. Times three

My kids aren't normally terribly fussy eaters.  I'm pretty lucky and they usually eat whatever I make, albeit with some strenuous negotiations / thinly veiled threats on occasion.

This week has been shit.

Beyond shit.

Aside from the usual "I'm not hungry" which is always followed not more than 30 minutes later (usually once the final dishes have been put away) with "Muuuuum...I'm hungryyyyyy".

10.  It smells like poops vomit ahahahhahaha

A delightful reaction to SALAD.  As in fresh, raw, uncooked vegetables.

9.   It's not me...

9a.  Goggerson (Mstr5's stuffed toy) told me not to eat it.
9b.  Unicorn (Miss5's stuffed toy) told me not to eat it.
9c.  I'm not eating it if they're not eating it (Miss8).

8.   I feel sick and I really can't eat it but I can eat sour straps and ice cream and can I have four mandarins instead?

WTF?  Why so many mandarins?

7.   It's looking at me

Because that's what bolognese does, it gives you the evil eye when you sit there pushing it around the plate for 10 minutes before calling it on its intimidation tactics.

6.   I'm seriously truly really allergic

To rice.  Plain, white rice.  The same rice they ate 2 nights prior, and around once a week on average since they were old enough to piss me off.

5.   I ate too much at breakfast yesterday.  I'm still full...but can I get three mandarins if I wake up at night?

Again with the damn mandarins.

4.   It's hurting my mouth.  I'm going to get a maygran.

A couple of things.  Firstly, how can soup hurt your mouth (luke warm, runny soup)?  Secondly, I'm fairly confident soup does not cause migraines.

3.  I'll eat it if I can eat in the toilet.  On the floor.  And I want chopsticks, but not to eat with.

No.  Just, no.

2.   I'll only eat it if I can have a glass of wine.

Hard to fault this one, given the pasta would've gone perfectly with a nice glass of red.  Oh no, wait, silly me - only for ADULTS.

1.   I want fish and chips.

It was fish and chips....

If anyone needs me this weekend I will be rocking in the corner with a  bottle  cask of wine....

Friday, August 29, 2014

FFS!? Friday : Have you lost weight?

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Golden Rule : Never ask after someone's weight unless you know, without a doubt, that they have lost weight.

Obvious, right?

Not to kids who know nothing but brutal honesty.  FFS!?

It all started with some one-on-one time.

The other night, Miss5 was cuddling up to me in bed.  It was one of those rare, loving, mother-daughter moments.  No FFS!?

Which she promptly ruined:

      Miss5:  Mummy, you look like you losed weight.

      Me:      Really?

      Miss5:  Yeah.  Did you loseded weight Mummy?

      Me:      I don't know, but I don't think so.

      Miss5:  Well I think you did.

      Me:      Well thank you love, that's a nice thing to say.

      Miss5:  I know you losed weight because your head looks bigger.

Because my head looks bigger.  FFS!?

Five years old and she's mastered the back-handed compliment.  FFS!?

Is it even possible for your head to get bigger?

How could she tell, lying down in bed, blankets covering the rest of me.  FFS!?

I mean, really, I think it's a bit of an unfair judgement call on her part.  She wasn't really assessing me from my best angle.  FFS!?

I was so tempted to retalliate by saying that she has a lovely shaped eyebrow.  As in singular.  As in mono-brow.  FFS!?

But I'm above that, because I'm her mother and she learns from my examples.

So, instead, I just outed her monobrow on the internet.  Heh.

I do love my kids, but sometimes they make it really hard.  FFS!?

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