Wednesday, July 23, 2014

A tribute to YouTube parenting

Image Source

Dear YouTube,

Thank you, from the bottom of my wine soaked mummy tummy, for all the things you've schooled me in.

So far this week alone, there have been two massive saves thanks to YouTube:

1.  OMG the world as we know it is about to end because my Samsung Galaxy tablet won't charge or turn on.

With the assistance of YouTube and Austin Scott's guide to DIY Samsung Galaxy repairs - Austin apologised at the start of his clip for his recent absence, on account of taking his Mum's car and being grounded...before producing a knife and jimmying open his tablet....

I get that his mother was pissed about her car, but dude has skillz and I would be nurturing that electronic genius.  It saved me around $200 in repair fees, all for the low low price of one steak knife and 5 minutes of frantic effort while the kids kept watch for #1Hubby (who would've completely lost his shit if he saw me attacking one of our e-babies with a sharp implement).

Pop the back off, disconnect and reconnect the battery terminals, and huzzah!  I have lavished attention on my e-baby ever since I gave it the kiss of life.

Thank you Austin Scott and YouTube.  You completely saved me from losing my shit.

And it totally counts as YouTube parenting because it's an e-baby and it doubles as an e-babysitter with the IRL offspring.

2.  All things loom band

About three months ago, I caved to the pressure of this phenomenon and bought the girls the cheapest kits I could find.

Yesterday I finally deferred to the YouTube gods on how to loom.

We had previously attempted it my usual style - winging it.

It was a roaring disaster and, for a short time, I had the girls convinced that the entire process was placing the bands on the plastic grid and then taking them off and starting over again.

Sadly, they grew wise to my severe lack of know-how when they kept seeing TV ads of fancy bracelets and purses and beanies (seriously...a loom band beanie?  WTF?).

Three months of half-arsed parenting and feeling only slightly guilty about it, and it took the perky mastermind from Mastermind Toys all of 3 minutes and ten seconds to explain it in an idiots step by step visual for my good self.

Which I had to watch three times to get it right.

Have now reclaimed Mother of the Year status, and my girls' world once again revolves around my awesomeness.

I mean, we're only on the basic band.  But I figure there's the next school holidays and the next ones and the ones after that through to at least 2018 to master the fishtail, double band, and coveted beanie and purse.

Total parenting win on account of the blissful hours of silence I am enjoying now that the girls are not all I'm borreeeed and this is wrongggggg and they don't hold together like the bracelet on the boxxxxxxx and she flicked hers at me and it got me in the eye and now I can't seeeeee.

Excellent school holidays entertainment that I probably should've sorted in the first few days, not the last....

So, yeah.  Some people choose to read books or instructions or ask those in the know.

I choose to defer to YouTube when in parental doubt.

It's so much better than Wikipedia because it has pictures and videos for easily distracted people like....ooh squirrel!

Much love til the next parenting crisis,

Monday, July 21, 2014

Man Down! Send the wahmbulance and where's my do-over?

I have just had an epic weekend.  Spent most of it on my back, yo.

It kicked off Friday and Saturday with a migraine that The Feral Threesome were not remotely sympathetic to.

It was the two days of the school holidays that they decided to pull out the old guitar from the back of the wardrobe, plus the whistles accumulated from various birthday party goody bags, and scream non-stop at each other to be heard over their collective noise.

All of the OMGOUCH for light and noise sensitive migraine sufferer me.

They jumped into bed with me Saturday morning as per usual, which created a tidal wave of nausea thanks to the movement.

They fairly pissed themselves laughing at Mummy's routine of heaving and groaning as the nausea moved in an opposing pattern to the thumping in my head. party trick ever, as far as they were concerned.

The little mini bastards didn't take me remotely seriously when I whimpered for them to go downstairs and ask Daddy for something Mummy could be sick in.

They cracked up and went downstairs and told #1Hubby that Mummy wanted something.


I don't know x3



Save for the exceptionally loud dulcet tones of "Ohhhh....who lives in a pineapple under the sea? SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS!  Absorbent and yellow and porous is he! SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS!".

Screw you Spongebob and your porous squarepants.  Where were you when I was attempting to deposit the previous day's takings into the loo without raising my movement sensitive migraine head from the floor!

Managed to raise myself Saturday arvo in time to pat #1Hubby on the back for his stellar efforts in managing all three kids from Friday night until then. idea how he did that....What a gem motherfu....

In a post-migraine haze I organised dinner and immediately after is when I realise something still wasn't right.

Cue Saturday night and Sunday gastro.

So today I am a somewhat subdued version of my former self.

Too scared to venture far from the bed or bathroom.

Throwing all electronic devices at The Feral Threesome in the name of peace and relative quiet.

Next weekend better be epic to make up for it.

I'm expecting a date with Wentworth Miller where the cast of Magic Mike bust in to vie for my attention, and all of them shower me with Moet or Cristal or whatever Puff Daddy / P Diddy deems to be cool for the rich and famous at this point in time.

Fingers crossed.

And legs, you know, just in case the gastro hasn't completed left me....

Friday, July 18, 2014

FFS!? Friday : The new FFS

I can't even deal.

No time for witty banter.

I have found white.

Multiple whites.

They are ganging up on the brown/red/hybrid of other colours and they are rapidly advancing.

First it was a random eyebrow hair a couple once or twice a year.

Then it was....get arm hair.  WTF?

Now, they've reached the summit and they are gaining strength as they re-group up there.

They are glinting at me, mocking me, every time I look in the bathroom mirror.

I've stopped counting....

It's just too depressing.

I've stopped pulling them out....

They just grow back and stick up because they are short and the rest of my hair is long and so, of course the non-conforming exhibitionist bastards stand out.  Or up.  Whatever.

Am going to have to start making some really hard decisions...

Like how much of my wine budget do I now have to allocate to frequent hair dying?

How long until Depends eat away at that budget too?

And how much for a mobility scooter?

I am 35 - far too young for FFS!? to mean something entirely different and not remotely age-appropriate.

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