Thursday, July 28, 2016

5 minutes : Part 1 (So, like 2 and a half minutes, or whatever)

Alternatively titled - It's the little things

Alternatively alternatively titled - It's been a slow week

Alternatively alternatively alternatively titled - Because I can

Oh bless you, TheFunnyPlace, for this shit cake that I shall bake for the next staff morning tea!

Anyway - this is Part One.  The woe is me, if you will.

It sets you up for how I totally nailed it on the whole "5 minutes" thing.

Essentially, all the titling and the alternatively titling is fairly irrelevant to this post.  So remember it for the part 2, ok?


So it's been a fairly crappy 6-odd weeks.

Please allow me to detail why I have not blogged of late...

You may or may not recall how, this time last year, I was whining for Australia about having severe adult chicken pox (having dodged it as a kid, back in the days before vaccines).  It was a massive poor-me pity fest, on account of me being psyched to finally score a school job that saw me enjoying school holidays off while still being paid, with my dearly beloved offspring.  Only to be ruined by the pox, first full pay school holidays.

Anyway, whatevs...I'm just saying....July school holidays can suck it - I'm putting myself in full quarantine come July 2017.

So, this year, in the week prior to the stupid non-event that is July school holidays, I had my tonsils out, half my uvea chopped off (Google it like I did you guys, turns out that drop shaped thing at the back of your throat is not your tonsils, it's a uvea.  Who knew?  What, you did?  Myeh, well I thought that was part of my tonsils.  In my infinite medical wisdom).

I also had my tongue cauterized, and some 'excess loose skin' removed from inside my throat while they were in there.

I'm an over-achiever, you know.

Also - please note the joy that is the knowledge that, even on the inside, I have excess loose skin...

Aced the surgery, so I left the hospital 24hrs after my operation.  Because I am nothing if not dense, and all the medical peeps querying why on earth I would be leaving did not suggest to me that I shouldn't be.

And I went back to work the next day, and the day after that - in a speaking role at the front desk, filling in for a work friend who was on leave.

Yep, I am that kind of stupid....

Anyway, I nailed all of that (with a little help from others who took on the speaking role).  At this point, I am a legend in my own lunchbox.

Endured a week and a half of school holidays from my ailing bedside (as a result of nailing all of the above...), dodging the kids' whiny demands for all of the school holidays movies, play dates, treats and outings that I had stupidly promised.

Then #1Hubby had to travel for work, so I drove to the #1Grandparents' house AWAY FROM THE CITY AND THE HOSPITALS, in order to fool them into thinking we were actually doing something / going somewhere for the school holidays (heaven forbid they have to do news in class and speak about what they did on the holidays - I had to give them something to work with).

... and within 5 minutes of arriving, 2 weeks post op (when all should be just about healed), I sprung a leak.

Bent over to load stuff into the fridge, and my mouth filled with the good red stuff.

Which I had to swallow, since the kids were all up in my face screaming for food / dobbing on each other.

I am nothing if not a good parent, yo.

And maybe now a self-inflicted vampire.

And you're welcome for that visual.

So I wound up ambulancing it straight back to the city.

And then on to another hospital with an Ear Nose and Throat specialist on duty.

I have a good friend who works as an ER Nurse at the second hospital, so I was all excited to text her to see if she was working - you know, such was my pain levels (non existent), and sense of emergency over the whole thing (it was one single bleed.  I was done with it, bored, ready to be entertained / chat).

She wasn't on matter...

BEST EMERGENCY ROOM EVA - I got to live the experience that others watch on those reality TV series about Emergency Rooms.  I do love me some 24 Hours in Emergency, and I have to admit, I was kind of bummed when they took me up to a ward after only a few hours.

For my ER entertainment, I had a guy in the bed next to me who was handcuffed to his bed, complete with 2 police escorts.  He was on full tanty, random, loopy mode.  Denying all substance consumption while rambling, ranting and raving like a pro in between telling everyone how he had 4 university degrees and could out scholar all of them.

I really, really wanted to pull the curtain between us, so that I could have the visual to match my audio.  But, alas, I am all about being appropriate.

So instead I had to rely on multiple trips to the toilet, walking verrrrrrry slowly past his cubicle to appease my desires.

And text my Mum so she would know how lucky I was, and how much she was missing out on.

Anyway, cut to now - and I'm fine.


My taste buds are screwed!

Two of my most loved and cherished things are suffering - 

1.  My coffee tastes like salt.  Instant coffee (I tried it twice in a panic, to make sure it wasn't just my much loved flat white's that had been tarnished) and the good barista made stuff.  

WTF?!  It seems to be getting better, slowly.  That or I'm convincing myself / building up a tolerance to what tastes like a quarter cup of pure salt.


Now this is a real true emergency - wine does not taste the same!

I'd been a smart cookie and planned my school holidays survival in advance - stocking up on my most favourite beverage.

None of it tastes like I remember it.

Dare I tastes.....bad.

Now, it goes without saying (but I will), that I'm giving it a red hot go - I'm trying everything to get my groove back.

I'm persevering through what seems to taste bitter, dry, unpleasant, just hoping that my taste buds will magically kick back into gear at some point, and see me downing the bottle with the wild abandon of 2 loved ones who just made up after an epic fight.

Seriously, this is the most devastating aspect of the whole saga, IMHO*.

Anyway - part 2 will detail what I've been doing to pass the time and amuse myself in lieu of good tasting wine and coffee.

**Mum - before you phone, text, email and Facebook me to ask - IMHO = In My Humble Opinion.

And WTF is "Where's The Fridge"....or, you know, something similar...

STFU everyone else.

Mum - STFU means Stop The Farting U'se...promise

Wednesday, June 22, 2016

Kung Fu Panda 3 - Just in time for School Holidays

The school holidays are imminent.

It is winter.

I swear my palms are already sweating at the thought of being locked up indoors with the little treasures for 2 whole weeks.

My kids love the Kung Fu Panda series.  They've just about worn out the first two movies.

Thankfully, the universe has taken perfectly-timed pity on me (or them)....

Kung Fu Panda 3 is out now on iTunes

You can download it here.

I had promised Mstr7 that I would take him to the movie when it came out in cinemas.

I totally forgot.

Unfortunately, he did not forget.

Allow me to use Kung Fu Panda 3 to demonstrate how that all went down......

Me :

Mstr7 :

Today's iTunes release of Kung Fu Panda 3 not only saves my poorly parenting, but it also pleases me greatly for providing me with an in-home viewing option - my preferred method when kids are involved.

Top 10 Reasons Why I Prefer In-Home Viewing:

  1. No brushing of hair
  2. No putting on of make up
  3. or daytime clothes
  4. No whispered threats to shut up / sit down while maintaining a loving smile in case anyone is looking
  5. No refereeing fights over who got one more kernel of outrageously over-priced popcorn
  6. About that - no paying for over-priced refreshments
  7. No 38 trips to the toilet....before the main movie even starts
  8. or 129 trips during the movie  (they never ever need to go when you watch a movie at home)
  9. No judgy eyes from more responsible parents for my consuming wine at a kids flick
  10. The ability to pause and rewind if the fighting and bickering gets too loud and I have to take my attention away from the wine and movie to intervene.

I plan to put this gem of a movie on repeat throughout the 2 weeks of winter school holidays.

I expect we'll all be quoting the movie by the time school returns.

Obviously I'll have to lie to their teachers about being incapacitated or the like, to excuse my 2 weeks of digital parenting.

Don't judge.  Just join me - get your iTunes download of Kung Fu Panda 3.

Kung Fu Panda 3 is coming to Blu-ray™ & DVD on July 6, 2016.

DreamWorks Animation’s Kung Fu Panda 3 Awesome Edition Includes 2 All-New Kung Fu Panda Animated Shorts, Everybody Loves a Panda Party Karaoke and Much More Fun Making it Perfect for Family Movie Night! 

Monday, May 2, 2016 on a tangent of outrage and vindication

Image source

You guys.

Last night I was all WOOHOO because we're off on our cruise this morning.

I was full of anticipation and much excitement.

Until #1Hubby spoke to my Mother in Law.

#1Hubby and I have long had an ongoing feud over who was responsible for the Twin Tornado.

He claims to have no history of twins in his family.

As did I, except my Grandmother on my Mum's side was adopted, and we don't actually know anything of her family history.

So it's fair to say that ever single time the twins fail to display any sort of twin bond (ALL THE TIME), #1Hubby gives me a look that says WELL DONE, GOOD GENES, HAD TO CREATE TWINS, DIDN'T YOU....

And I shoot him back a death stare plus 2 finger salute, and by the time our silent debate is over, the twins are usually happily playing together again.

Passive parenting.  That's what I'm calling it.


So anyway, last night, packing and preparation has been completed.

I was enjoying a bubbly beverage in the bath to slip in to cruise ship mode.

#1Hubby calls his Mum for Mother's Day, since we won't be able to call on Sunday.

Then I listen as they go off on some tangent, and suddenly twins comes up.

Those that have come from more than one relative on HIS side.

Son of a.....

HE is responsible for the two-fer.

Not me.

HIS genes.

I was like a giant, sopping wet yeti springing from the bath the second he put the phone down.

I've warned him that the on-board duty free better have something pretty and sparkling come Mother's Day, because clearly I deserve it for putting up with his bloody multiple birthing genes providing me with a total of 3 kids when I was expecting 2.

I mean, obviously they're awesome and I love them and wouldn't swap them etc etc.

But still....I feel vindicated - it wasn't my fault.

And also wish I'd thought to do this....even though mine are not identical:

Image source

Now I am off to turf half of #1Hubby's two dozen pairs of shorts out of the suitcase, to make myself feel better before the taxi arrives to take us to the ship.

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