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Wednesday, June 28, 2017

Losing "it"

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I'm pretty sure that I've lost "it" - my parenting mojo.

The Feral Threesome have out-grown me.

They no longer buy into all of my bullshit, and actually realise that I am not the be all and end all of the world.


If I threaten to count to 3 - they actually wait for it to happen

They have called my bluff.



MSTR 8

My beloved Mstr8 has worked out how to push my buttons.

He'll still profess undying love, and still wish out loud that I was younger / he was older, so that we could get married....just not so often, and definitely not on video.

In fact, if I think about it, he usually only whispers it to me nowadays.

And usually only after I've discovered his 'Crunch-n-sip' veg from the previous week, festering in his backpack.

Or he's been busted watching Clarence / TMNT on the iPad, under his bed, at 9pm on a school night.

Gone are the days of blowing me kisses across the playground.

My last kiss is still lingering in the breeze, unrequited.

Instead, I got some beat-boxing in return.

Yes, really.



MISS 8

Miss8 has worked out that she can pretend she can't hear me  -  in a way more mature way than my own "lalalala I can't hear youuuu" fingers in ears version that I have, until now, relied on when they ask awkward questions.

I can rant and rave, beg and plead, and her single excuse is "wait...what? Oh sorry Mum, I didn't hear you..." - and I have NO WAY OF PROVING OTHERWISE....

Despite being a people-pleaser - especially an adult-pleaser - she has worked out that there's more kudos in saving her adult-pleasing for teachers.

She's also worked out that I'm entirely embarrassing, as far as parents go.

I was all professional, work mode, at the school cross country the other week - blow me down if one of my besties (a parent volunteer), didn't have to convince me that, it was in fact my Miss8 (and not another student) coming down the straight - winning.

I completely lost my professional work persona shit and stood in the middle of the finish line, arms wide open, in full staff uniform, screaming her name....

....and she very obviously veered to the right, with a look of horror.

So I regained my staff persona and pretended I did not see her cross the finish line first, until she had to report to me for her official finishing position, and I ripped her off the ground and squeezed the living crap out of her little body.

She loved it, and she hugged me back - but only after checking that nobody else was watching...



MISS 11

As for Miss11...she is, believe it or not, the least of my worries!

We did have a rough patch with the hormonal, pre-tween attitude - but her need for me has superceded all of that.

Obviously she now gets all of the jewellery in the will, and I've advised her as much.

It's like she's won lotto, even though she isn't interested in jewellery - let alone old or wise enough to realise that I don't own anything nearly as large and sparkly as her $10 Lovisa costume jewellery.



Thank the Vodka Gods for Facebook memories....

For the first time ever, I've found myself genuinely reminiscing over Facebook "You posted this XXX years ago...." pics of the kids.

As opposed to continuing down to the latest cocktail / DIY / food / celeb post.

All that professing of unconditional love over the years has come back to bite me in the arse.

They know they've got me.  That they've got the upper hand.

This is unfamiliar territory.

I'm used to being the unquestioned centre of their everything.

Clearly, I'm going to have to work out what their kryptonite is, and regain the prized power position / unconditional love and respect.



FYI....it was their random refusal of my previously loved sneaky veg soup that actually prompted this post.

It sent me into a tail spin of reflection, on listening to their negotiations over dinner / bed times / upcoming school holidays.

They weren't remotely interested in pleasing me, listening to my firm insistence that they loved my soup and it would make them strong / healthy / awesome.



But, whatever, the point is - they are clearly turning into manipulative little a-holes (apple, tree, obviously).

And I've lost the "it" factor....I don't have IT anymore....


PS - FOUND ANOTHER WHITE EYEBROW HAIR TOO.  Insult to injury....

Monday, June 12, 2017

Absence makes the heart grow fonder

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Okay you guys. I have a bazillion excuses for you re: my absence.

Not in any order....

I found a whole lot more Real Housewives of the World style reality TV shows
(that would totally be #1 if this was in order).

I started studying - because who else would you want teaching young impressionable minds?

(Don't worry, I've spent a few years working at The Feral Threesome's school to ensure I could control the swears when I'm on premises - who knew I could?! Anyway, university gahhhhh so much work).

I'm lazy.

I'm still lazy.

I'm lazy about doing something about being lazy.

I also happen to have suffered from writers block.

Seriously - as kids grow up they do way less stuff that I can exploit for my own humour.  It's a little disappointing, and I have tried to set them up on occasion, just for a laugh.

I bought a treadmill.

I BOUGHT A TREADMILL.

And I used it for a good 3 weeks prior to a holiday.

It was extremely exhausting.

The kids are now all doing homework-y stuff on the laptop.  I have to fight for screen time.  Imagine the horror!

And carnage....

I discovered home delivery dinner - Uber eats, Menulog, and all the othes I am yet to conquer!

And believe it or not, on that note, our dinner has arrived!

So I will now go and make a fuss about decanting the takeaway onto real plates so that I can appease the takeaway guilt.




Wednesday, March 1, 2017

Trolls available on iTunes

As in the movie.  Not to be confused with my 3 sweet little darling trolls





I am probably the last person to the party…but…how good is downloading movies via iTunes?!?

Old-school "group viewing" would see me suffering through the whining and complaining over – and here are just a few of the regulars:

  • Who had more of the lounge
  • Who had the best position closest to the TV
  • Who has more of the TV in front of their person (can't do division, but can work out angles and volume and the like, apparently)
  • Whose arm hair dared to touch the closest sibling
  • Who whispered/whined/talked/laughed/breathed/chewed/swallowed too loudly
  • Who had more popcorn (yes, they have been known to count every single kernel)


 The list is, quite literally, ENDLESS.


At some point, I stopped putting DVD’s on, stopped hiring movies, stopped buying them.

For the sake of world peace and harmony and family unity.

So you can imagine my initial apprehension when offered the opportunity to download Trolls via iTunes for this here review.

The shock, the horror – the anguish of all three kids competing for prime viewing position in front of an iPad screen.  All the associated drama, threats etcetera.

I can’t even.

I was whining about this to #1Hubby when one of the kids suggested they take turns watching the movie.

And then it dawned on me – downloading movies means multiple viewings. I can separate my little darlings and avoid all sibling warfare!


Observe

Mstr8 chose to watch Trolls from the toy room.  Not the lounge, not even a chair.  Instead, nestled comfortably on a bed of three million Lego pieces on the floor, that he hasn’t put away since I first asked him to back in the summer of 2012....





Miss8 opted to view Trolls from her cubby house / personal safe room / hiding space / dodgiest, darkest corner of the toy room.  Often found in the company of raw broccoli, because that's her snack of choice....




Miss11 went for her personal leisure suite, also known as my bedroom.  Which I am not allowed to go near whilst she is in residence, lest I invade her personal space....



All pics happily snapped by yours truly, while simultaneously carrying a glass of wine, and smiling at them lovingly because they were not attempting to enact Natural Selection upon each other.

It was a blissful weekend free from sibling arguments.

The kids all enjoyed this strange new phenomenon that is watching a movie uninterrupted.

In return, they were all more than happy to provide their opinions on Trolls.


Parental Parody Prodigies
(heh...DREAMING, I know) 
1 minute review of Trolls


It was really good.  Like, REALLY good.  Welllll....kind of like ice cream if it was a movie.  So...can I have ice cream now? - Mstr8


Poppy was soooo cute.  I love her.  It was funny, but mostly cute.  I want to watch it again every day!  (Insert her standard evil laugh) - Miss8


OMG MUM JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE!!!!  He was so awesome. (Starts singing Can't Stop The Feeling a bazillion times and counting) - Miss11



Best of all, thanks to the whole iTunes download thing, I can now have my turn watching Trolls from the comfort of Miss11’s personal suite / my bedroom.  With wine.  Without kids.  Wearing pyjamas.  Not counting out my share of popcorn kernels.  Winning!



For your own sanity, perfectly timed for the impending school holidays, download Trolls from iTunes for your own little trolls darlings.

You’re welcome.


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