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Tuesday, May 14, 2019

Mothers' Day



That pretty much sums up Mothers' Day.

#1Hubby was trying his best to appease me by finally clearing his work crap out of the garage, eleventybillion years after I first started whine-ask-demanding he do so.  

Which was great, except it was Mothers' Day and I was left with all of the things inside.  There was no lounging around in pyjamas.  No coffee in bed.  Definitely no binge watching my favourite shows.

The kids, well they were mini assholes most of the day.  Not as in they are mini, but their assholeness was mini.  Like minor asshole status, as opposed to being epic assholes. 

Mini assholes antagonise each other and not me - but force and motion and physics and stuff means I was impacted by the assholedom, by having to parent it all before someone lost an eye.

The cat gifted me a spew.  Bless.  Bastard.

The kids were all OMG OMG OMG THE WORLD IS ENDING.  In a break from their assholeness, I took solace and enjoyment from their bonding over mutual disgust. 

Sadly, they got over the touching show of sibling unity in a flash, and were very quickly threatening to push each other into said cat spew.

So I cleaned up cat vomit on Mothers' Day.  Living the dream.

The cat - who was my favourite pre-spew - then sat outside the kitchen window on top of the outdoor table, heaving and eyeballing me, as we had an intense stand off over whether or not he would produce a follow up gift for me.

Being a master multi-tasker, I continued the stand off while slaving over a lavish roast lunch that I was making for myself....which was to be served on said outdoor table - pending follow up spew.

So, yeah, that was Mothers' Day.  My personal highlight being the cat vomit.

You may think I sound bitter and ungrateful, but I'm not.

This is possibly the best way it could have played out - because now I get a do-over.

After lovingly yelling my disappointment at them all before bed time, I am generously giving them the opportunity to improve on their efforts this weekend.

I'm markedly more excited for the do-over than I was for the original.  The vibe in the lead up is a mix of excitement (mine) and apprehension (theirs).



Tuesday, April 30, 2019

I'm a survivor - like Beyonce...but more Jeff Probst, really



OUTWIT...the mini-me's into doing stuff for me since they're home all day

OUTPLAY...my darlings, against each other, for who wins the prize as my favourite

OUTLAST...the sweet cherubs for 2 weeks of school holidays - home all day, every day


Survivor bosses:
No I did not ask permission to use your logo.  My bad.

Please do not treat this as my audition for the show...unless you're going to do a parents' version to see who can possibly outwit/outplay/outlast the other parents, resisting the urge to make the bed, pick up floor-towels, make healthy snacks, or contact their children...surviving guilt-free in a luxury hotel.

Spoiler alert :
It will be me.  I will win.  Mother guilt has no power over me when up against free room service and sleep-ins.




Anyway...enough of the super entertaining intro
On to the reason for my post:


I just wanted to let you all know that I survived the school holidays.

Phew, right?

I do have a TEEN, you know.

And twins who hate each other and piss themselves laughing at the mere suggestion of some mythical "twin bond".

And the 2 girls are forever trying to convince each other to emancipate themselves - pushing each other to the limit of sanity and fighty-sister-ness, just hoping the other one will pack a bag and leave.

I know, I should really intervene more...but you guys...only 2 kids would mean just 1 taxi, 1 hotel room, more wine money in the budget....I feel like I could REALLY go on and on with this list, but that would make it look like I've spent far too much time musing over the pros and cons of 2 kids versus 3...

Also, my beloved boy has completely worked out that I am powerless against his charms.

He's still my main ally, but he also plays me like a champion.


SHIT IS REAL IN THIS FAMILY, YOU GUYS.


So I get that you would be considering sending out the National Guard to search for my remains upon completion of 2 weeks of school holidays at home with them, given the circumstances.



Hooray / Huzzah / Jazz Hands and rainbows for the return of school....AMIRIGHT?!?!


Related - keep the celebrations down, parents, as some of us work at schools.

Some of us are even super stupider and work at schools our kids attend.

THERE IS NO ESCAPE!


Today I had to make fresh toasted sandwiches for the Twin Tornado, as the weather is starting to cool down.

Mstr10 did a little pathetic cough to punctuate the weather situation and need for a hot lunch.

Miss10 just stared me down.

The teen of course put her hand out for money to buy something from the school canteen, since she is no longer in residence at our combined school/workplace.  Lest she miss out on something warm on this arctic day...


The balance of power has shifted.  While #1Hubby is blissfully ignorant/unaware, I am not.

I'm trying to work out if the ability to feed themselves and wipe their own bum's is worth sacrificing the all powerful aura of wonder, trust and compliance that I once had.




Thursday, March 28, 2019

It's nearly Easter - grab your hot glue gun and get ready


It's that time of year again - the annual Easter Hat Parade.

I can almost smell the scent of my hot glue gun sizzled skin in the air....again.


I'm going to start marking time via the various little scars:

       Oh yes, that was 2014 when we attempted a giant rabbit larger than his head...

       That one?  Well that little moon shaped scar comes courtesy of 2017 when we really
       embraced the GO BIG OR GO HOME philosophy...

       Ahh yes, my favourite, the one that looks a bit like Beyonce if you squint and do a
       handstand using just your left arm (shut up, I totally could...) - that was 2011 when
       I was fresh to the Easter Hat Parade farce and really thought I knew it all...


The reality is, the hats are almost always made or bought by parents.

The kids who make their own never win - my kids haven't caught on to that fact yet.  

Each year they live in hope.

It's not that they're totally enthused by the whole idea of the festive joy that is an Easter themed event.

It's just that they want the prize.  Not for the glory, but for the CHOCOLATE.

Now, I'm not a newbie.  This isn't my first parade.  In fact, due to working at their school, I'm in charge of arranging class prizes and voting.  I know EXACTLY what the glory is worth.

$5 or less

Now that we know the less than impressive value - what is the price of said glory?

At my worst, it was around $30 per head.  With 3 children competing, I was out of pocket almost $100.  SO MANY sequins, ribbon, foam balls and rolls of packing tape...

Shudder.

One year, the price of fame was $3 per head - for a last minute Dollar Shop grab of whatever hadn't already been claimed by other half-arsed parents.  It must've been a really hectic year all round, because the parade was full of the same lame cardboard bunny ears and rabbit hats, courtesy of the now very sales-happy and rolling in cash Dollar Shop.

Last year, I was down to just two (on account of Miss13 moving on to High School where they are way. too. cool to bother with such things).

But we were all a bit over it, and so we skipped it.  

Twas a blissful year, 2018.

This year, they're back at it with a vengeance.

I don't know why.  I don't know which little bastards revved them up and got them all enthusiastic in their respective classes, but the Twin Tornado are out for blood the win, once again.

I have considered out-sourcing.  (Karen B - I'm looking at you.  You have a killer record of wins, and I'm not above begging, should I hot glue gun my digits together and be rendered utterly useless).

Now, to be clear, I'm not taking over and making their hats for them.  BUT HELLO - HOT GLUE GUN AND MISS10 - THE FAMILY SADIST.

Seriously?

I could make a mean profit taking bets on exactly how long it will take her to:

       a) accidentally singe her brother's arm/hair/leg/eyeball
       b) accidentally set the very cheap and flammable curtain on fire
       c) accidentally poke her older sister in the backside and burn a hole through her very expensive school uniform.
       d) accidentally do all of the above - because she is my child, and we all know that I was an infamous pyromaniac
       in my early years (as briefly glossed over / owned on the interverse here and here).


So, the point is - it's genetic.  And always an accident.  

Therefore, one of the tens of people reading this, think of me as I swear under my breath all weekend, supervising and trying REALLY HARD not to intervene re: the hot glue gun.

At least it will distract me from the fact that I've currently spent $23.75 for the Twin Tornado to have a shot at a $5 chocolate prize each.

And hopefully also distract my OCD tendencies (at least it's not decorating the Christmas Tree....at least it's not decorating the Christmas Tree - this shall be my OCD mantra) from taking over when Miss10 is gluing her jellybeans on and THEY AREN'T SYMMETRICAL....

All you mathematicians out there....how many bottles of vodka have I wasted on the Easter Hat Parade over the years?  

Minus the cost of just buying a $5 chocolate bunny each (and let's be honest, I'd probably go the budget, oily, no-name brand for $3 each).

I reckon I'd still be in front....







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