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Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Oh no he didn't!

Ohhh ladies.  Listen up.  I’ve been absolutely bursting to write this post up.  The WTF?! nature of it is quite possibly what caused my brain malfunction.

So that you get the full impact of these two statements, uttered by #1Hubby in a most innocent and male way, I must take you back to where it all started.

Miss6 was born on the 10th day of the 10th month.  She was induced, 10 days overdue.

10...10...10...

I had my waters broken and drip inserted at 6:30am, and was told “it won’t be long now”.

Famous last words.

TWELVE HOURS LATER, and I’m only just getting towards go-time.

It was most exhausting and crappy.  For me.  #1Hubby got to rest and watch cricket and eat the meals I'd selected when we checked in.  I was more annoyed about him eating my meals, than the fact that it was taking so bloody long, and hurt so bloody much.

Holy mother of Vodka, did it hurt.

So, I finally had an epidural.  I was exhausted, tired, had not eaten or drunk (not even water, not even ice chips) since 9pm the night before.  Contractions every 1-2 minutes, lasting for 30-40 seconds.  Give me a break.

I had declared that I was over this shit, and I was going home.  Changed my mind.  Not having a baby thankyouverymuch.

So anyway things progressed as you’d expect, and at 10:01pm Miss5 finally arrived.  I would say that she arrived in her own time – but she didn’t.  My only lasting image of the whole birthing process is of my very elderly and wiry Obstetrician with one foot up, wedged on the end of my bed, and pulling on Miss5’s head with the suction cap.

Even 10 days late, she still couldn’t be arsed putting in any effort to make her debut.  Serves her right for then spending her first 2 weeks as a conehead.



Now, if you ask #1Hubby, when speaking of the Doctors and nurses, he will claim that ‘they faffed around down there’ for a couple of minutes.

Let me repeat.

"They faffed around down there"

I’m not sure what he expected them to be doing?  Taking coffee orders?  Making swans out of the bed sheets?  Performing a song and dance routine complete with jazz hands?  Who knows.  But in his opinion, the birth was not declared when it should have been.

He claims to have looked at his watch and the official hospital wall clock, and noted that it was precisely 10pm.  Not 10:01pm.

Because that’s totally what you’d expect a first time father to be doing, seconds after his first child enters the world, right?

Now, Miss5 became Miss6 just the other day.  He’s had SIX YEARS to get over this, to make peace with it.

And has he?

No.

Just last week, while sitting around the dinner table with the #1 Grandparents and #1 Brother, discussing Miss6’s birthday and reminiscing over the past 6 years (we’d had a decent quota of wine by this time), #1 Hubby made this statement :

“They were dilly-dallying around, they should’ve had her out a minute earlier”.

WTF?

Are you kidding me?

DILLY-DALLYING AROUND?!


Firstly, just to re-air a pic of #1 Hubby in not quite his finest hour, so you get the full picture of the man behind these statements :



Hmm….my sarcasm knows no bounds, but on this, I am stumped.  I really don’t know how to adequately take the piss out of his words.

Perhaps if the Obstetrician hadn’t been quite so frail and elderly, he may have had the extra strength to wrench her out quicker?

Perhaps if they’d used a hoist and crane they would’ve made it happen 60 seconds faster?

I shit you not, this is his very own, personal, conspiracy theory.

It shits him to tears that Miss6 was born on the 10th day of the 10th month, 10 days overdue, at 10:01pm.  1 minute that he can’t get over.

I freaking love it.  I will forever be eternally grateful to whichever nurse completed the birth registration paperwork.

Again...his two statements regarding the birth of our first child :

"They faffed around down there"

"They were dilly-dallying around, they should've had her out a minute earlier"


I totally take back my previous offer of buying him a lap dance.


Also, I feel that I / we deserve a Jerry Springer episode for this, right?

5 comments:

  1. I would love to hear what Jerry Springer had to say about this one!  The photo of #1Hubby is going to haunt me all day now....No wonder you like a drink.

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  2. Yes, I need my "beer goggles" on so he morphs into Vin Diesel.

    ReplyDelete
  3. OMG that is priceless - what is it with men and their consipiracy theories.

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  4. What a crack up.  I am in hysterics.  

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