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Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Son of a....[something far worse than bitch]

Oh yeah...I forgot to tell you...

My folks are coming to visit.

When?

Today.

SAY WHAT?!  BEG PARDON!?

Yeah, today.  They'll be here in...umm...just over 2 hours.

SON. OF. A.....

And it's not that I don't want to say Bitch on the internet, it's just that I don't think son of a bitch adequately conveys my feelings towards #1 Hubby at that particular time.

WHAT YOU TALKIN 'BOUT FOOL BITCH!?

What is it about the impending arrival of one's in-laws that can turn you to mush?

I get along great with my in-laws.  They love me.  No really, they actually do, and I haven't had to bribe them or liquor them up.  Although I do find that booze helps us all feel warm and fuzzy and loved up on the bi-annual occasion that they do come to  visit.

It's just that I start playing out this dialogue in my head whereby they pass the threshold of my home and immediately start taking mental notes on EVERY-FREAKING-THING.

  • The state of my walls
  • My muffin top
  • The kids' language skills
  • The cat's ailing health
  • The garden's incorrect ratio of weeds to legitimate plants
  • The washing on the line - clean, but still on the line so therefore not complete
  • The food in my fridge and the incorrect ration of packaged to organics
  • The casks of wine creating a hidden pyramid in my pantry, which is inevitably exposed when the door is flung open within the first 3 minutes of their visit
  • The weird smell coming from somewhere
  • The incorrect ratio of sand to patio as the sandpit attempts to takeover the courtyard

And pretty much everything else not mentioned that could potentially be critiqued.
Yessss! Finally. I must be the only person on the Internet to have not used this image until now

My in-laws, they are not critical types.

It is safe to say that 99.9% of that shit completely escapes their attention.  The remaining 0.1% doesn't phase them.

It's just me.  I am a D.I.L and a total dill at the same time.

Is it not my job to prove that I am adequately caring for their son and their grandchildren who will forever carry on their family name?

And so I cleaned the shit out of Parental Parody Palace. Towards the tail end of a long weekend, which means THREE days of total and utter kiddy carnage.  In less than one hour.

Thank the Vodka Gods for the products of Sponsor of Awesome, Chux - in particular the Magic Eraser.  Erasing years of Toddler wall abuse in the frantic swipe of a wrist, and also, as an added bonus, hopefully reducing my tuck shop arm wingspan at the same time.  Fingers crossed.

Then I high tailed it upstairs to beautify myself (it's okay...you can snort/laugh).  It was a losing battle mid-heatwave, as I frantically wiped the sheen of sweat mixed with dirt mixed with dust from my person, and attempted to threaten my make up into staying put and not slithering down to my chin so I looked like I had a badly applied fake tan around my jaw line and upper neck area.

So I gave up on the personal appearance angle, dressed, and sped downstairs to casually lounge on the furniture as if my house is always this sparkling clean.

I rewarded my efforts in the midst of a heat wave with a cordial.  Then considered the fact that all of this effort was on account of the in-laws, and so I liquored up my cordial.

Then I gave myself another VCM, only this time it was a VVCM (Very Vodka Cordial Mineral Water).

I figured that I had a mere 10 minutes before the in-laws landed and so I should lubricate steel myself.

And so I continued with the VVVCM's until I realised that the in-laws were actually 2 hours late and I was totally and utterly shit faced.

They arrived, I greeted them with a "WASSUP MOFO'S!"

Thankfully, they don't know what Mofo's are.

And then I proceeded to liquor up my M.I.L's cordial, and she approved, and we proceeded to have a very warm and fuzzy afternoon together.

DIY cocktails : Making family events non-homicidal since whenever cordial was created
Also....OMG where can I get this flavour?!

I blame #1 Hubby for not affording me at least one week 24hrs to brace myself psych myself up prepare.

Am I the only one to turn to a drunken mess at the thought of the in-laws' bi-annual visit?  In-laws who I have always got along with?



2 comments:

  1. Fussy Eater's MumMarch 7, 2012 at 8:38 AM

    Every week my FIL comes to collect the rubbish to go to our farm tip. Every week I avert my eyes as at least two rubbish bags of bottles exit our house. Chink! Chink! Living next door to yout in laws will do that to you. Do tell if you find Blackberry Vanilla cordial somewhere...

    ReplyDelete
  2. Oh I so get you and so can relate! I havent thought to get drunk before...not a bad idea!

    ReplyDelete

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