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Friday, June 8, 2012

FFS!? Friday : Whine, Wine and White hairs

Linking up with mah homey DearBabyG as usual for the weekly whinathon.

Labelling it a whinathon means I can dedicate lengthy periods of time to wine consumption, since it is an 'athon'.  In fact, in my experience of anything ending in 'athon', I should be sponsored for my hard work and dedication.

So where's my sponsorship? FFS.

Speaking of athon's - Miss6 has a Mathathon.  The biggest fundraiser wins an iPod Touch. She's been whining for one ever since. She has no idea what it does, but she needs it. FFS.

Even if I hit up every family member we'd never raise the most money.  It would be cheaper for me to go out and buy her a bloody iPod Touch.  Only she doesn't need one, and she wouldn't know how to use it, and she'd be bored with it the very second she realises it doesn't connect her directly to Hannah Montana's private number. FFS.

I hibernated at the indoor play centre yesterday to avoid the crappy, cold, rainy weather outside.  I assumed it would be fairly vacant as other parents knew better and stayed indoors for the day. Quite the opposite, in fact.  I'm still suffering from the ringing in my ears. FFS.

Surely the Play Centre has a duty of care to post a warning such as this outside the threshold AKA Point Of No Return?

I took the Twin Tornado to the toilet and we were gone all of 5 minutes.  When I got back, a Dad was moving my stuff to a dirty but vacant adjacent table.  He was in the middle of setting himself and his 2 kids up at our table when I stood there looking confused, and he said "Oh, you don't mind, right?".

Erm, no - by all means shove my stuff on to the dirty but vacant table right beside my occupied but clean table.  I'd hate you and your 2 kids to have to clear a table, like you're expecting me and mine to do. FFS.

My level of pissed-offedness was way out of proportion, so I figured it was time to leave the place before I popped a vein over something so small.  At the exact moment I got outside it pissed down with rain, thus increasing my already maxed out pissed-offedness. FFS.

I swore as Mstr3 gleefully jumped in a puddle and soaked me from the shins down.  FFS.

The Twin Tornado spent the rest of the afternoon screaming said swear word out at the top of their lungs. FFS.

The Avon Lady came yesterday afternoon to collect her catalogue.  I had to tell her that I hadn't seen it.  Mstr3 said "No Mummy. Liv ate it." and pointed at his perpetually ravenous sister. FFS.

Then they cheerfully swore at the lovely old Avon lady by way of greeting. FFS.

So I had to hastily grab a spare catalogue off her and buy some random piece of crap that I don't want or need, purely out of guilt and the hope that my spending $4.99 will appease her moral standards and make her magically forget my lying and my kids' swearing. FFS.

I found another white brow hair. FFS.

#1Hubby's chest hair has also been invaded by a couple of white hairs. There goes any remote chance of closing my eyes and morphing him into George Clooney. FFS.

Now I will be literally having relations with #1Hubby and not a hybrid cross between him and George.  Because there's only so much grey/white I can respectably deal with - you know, since I'm a wee youngun at only 24 years of age. Ahem and FFS.
My grey hair limit (assuming the carpet matches the curtains)

Miss6 is soon to lose her 2nd tooth.  She's all excited about the Tooth Fairy visiting again and leaving her another $2 to spend on apparently consumable cheap crap lip gloss at the $2 shop.  FFS.

Miss3 piped up with a request : "Mummy, when I'm a big girl and mines tooths do come out..."

Pause to ensure I'm listening.  Serious faces all round....

"Make mines wine and not $2, ok Mummy?"

So Miss3 will take a glass of Soft Dry White instead, thank you very much. FFS


On the Lohan scale of children, Miss3 is going to be a Lindsay (wild and troublesome), not an Ali (quieter, sweeter). FFS. 

Miss6 will be a Britney. FFS. 

I'm now awaiting negative comments about my obviously extensive alcohol intake and the negative image it is conveying to my susceptible offspring. FFS.

And to those haters, I have but one thing to say in my defence:

Octomom made a porno (a solo porno?) and is doing a series of strip shows to promote her porno.  The one person on the planet who possibly makes me look like a good parenting role model.  God speed and boom chika wow wow, Octomom.





 

15 comments:

  1. Oh it feels good to have a good rant, especially on a Friday.  Bring on wine-o-clock I say!  Also, re Octomom... OMG is that really true?!?!?

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  2. It sure does. I've even started my draft for next Friday! Octomom is all true - it was her own media release declaring the strip shows as a lead up to the release of her solo porno.  Apparently she declared bankruptcy (gee...never saw that coming...) and said she would do literally anything that paid the right price, so that she could get a big safe house for her kids.  Low and behold, the Porn industry came knocking and she said yes.

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  3. I'd take George Clooney with no hair, such is my love for him. And you know what Ali Lohan ain't so clean... she's just the younger sneakier sister who learnt from her older sister's public mistakes and does it all on the down low. How do I know? I'm a younger sister.

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  4. Nooooo....Octomum doing porn ??!!!! Shut. Up!! She must be taking those statements about looking like "Angelina Jolie" a little too seriously.
    Can't believe the nerve of that dad moving your stuff to a dirtier table! Those indoor play centres are always feral...

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  5. I'm sorry you had such a rough day, but I did get a chuckle out of it. It always seams to be one thing after another eh?!

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  6. Seriously! Is that what Octomum is now up to?? Love it....such a great role model for her kids! Hey at least she has the body for it..after having five boys there is no way in the world I could do that to support our family. But I love the idea.
    And the wine..I so need some :)

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  7. You just described last Friday. I didn't even bat an eyelid.

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  8. I need a whineathon! HB keeps telling me about some book his reading about a man that ran a marathon (42km) every day for a year. I keep telling him I'm happy to do a whineathon everyday for 365 days too. I could also write a book on it. I don't think it would be legible. I totally have to see that Octomum porno now, I need a boost to my own parenting morale. Tip: If you get Miss 6 and iPod Touch, drop it in a glass of water the day she turns 14 x

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  9. I'm sorry but you made me laugh so hard! I've had days like this and it ain't pretty. Well done on getting through it.

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  10.  I have to admit, I would too. George will always be sexy.

    I'm ok with having an Ali Lohan - I'm all for the 'ignorance is bliss' style of parenting!  Much rather assume they're semi-angelic than know they're completely and utterly devious!

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  11.  I know, right!?  I was shocked, but not.  Outraged, but amused.  It was a time of mixed emotions for me.

    I've spent the entire weekend thinking up witty and cutting one liners that I should've fired back at the ignorant Dad, rather than seething on the inside and whining on the blog.  I have one week left of the twins' month-long pass to that play centre, so I'm crossing my fingers that I see him there again in the coming week, heh.

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  12.  Totally. It's a numbers thing - I'm outnumbered by them, and so there's never a time that I can assume total control. They sense this (a lot like a preadtor senses fear), and so they know exactly when I'm at my weakest and they attack. But fear not, I'm going to get my revenge one day when the tables have turned and they're changing my nappies!

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  13.  She surely is. I can't believe she's so super proud of it that she's had her PR Rep send out a press release.  I can only imagine how long it's going to take for someone to show her kids - obviously when they're older - but the internet being the global, easily accessible thing that it is - I'm predicting some seriously grossed out and disturbed teens in a few year's time - all 14 of them!

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  14.  Don't watch the Octomom porno - bitch has had 14 kids and has a banging bod.  I don't care if it's surgically enhanced, that just makes me even more jealous.

    I'm just going to get Miss6 to read that blog post of yours for her reading homework the next time she whines about the bloody iPod.  Then I'll tell her that she's keeping it at your house if she gets one, heh.

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  15.  Thank you so much.  As long as someone else can laugh at it, I end up seeing the funny side of it too.  Wine also helps.

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