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Friday, October 19, 2012

FFS!? Friday: Birthday cakes

I'd just like to state up front that no, you cannot have your cake and eat it too. FFS!?
 
So I blogged about having the "it's not a party...party" for Miss7, in order to make these bad boys:

Image credit and recipe


What Pinterest did not tell me, was that I would have to give up OVER NINE FUCKING HOURS to make a very poor replica of these. FFS!?

I started just after midday last Tuesday.

I did not leave the kitchen, surface for air, see the light of day, anything - until almost 10pm that night. FFS!?

When I did finally finish, they looked like shit.  Like the Twin Tornado had attempted to slap together the pretty rainbow cupcakes of awesome in half an hour.  With one hand tied behind their backs.  Blindfolded.  Drunk. FFS!?

This actually looks better than mine did. For reals. FFS
Image credit


And no, I'm not going to post a pic of my own efforts, because it would likely break the interwebz. FFS!?

I stomped off to bed quite pissy about the wasted time, effort and expense. FFS!?

I consoled myself with naive thoughts of my rainbow cupcakes firming up and straightening up in the fridge overnight, so they would not resemble lego-esque leaning towers oozing cream cheese frosting.
 
Or multicoloured bent penises post-happy ending. FFS!?

Then I realised I hadn't even wrapped Miss7's birthday presents, so I shot out of bed with enough deliberate flouncing to wake #1Hubby who had been blissfully snoring his non-contributing bloody head off since about 9pm. FFS!?

He grunted, rolled over, and said something about putting the chickens and the cat out, before recommencing the thunderous snoring. FFS!?

FFS and also, we don't have chickens, and our cat died a few months ago.

So I went all Edward Scissorhands on the wrapping paper and crafted some semi-decent prettiness to house her fairly lame gifts.

Johnny Depp fail - the only time he doesn't look dead sexy. FFS!?


I'm totally OTT when it comes to gift wrapping.  I love it.  I love doing it.  I love making it symmetrical and even and pretty and colour co-ordinated.

This was not that. FFS!?

So I now hated the leaning lego-esque towers / faux multi-coloured penis cakes, and also the crap wrapping of the few gifts.  FFS!?

Of course I sat down and cried at 11:15pm, my back aching from standing up all day and night, leaning over the kitchen bench, slaving away....for nothing.  FFS?!
 
At that point my mind immediately associated my crap efforts as grounds for Miss7's total and utter shame, humiliation and despair when she awoke the next morning to such 'myeh' gift wrapping and cakes...thus sending her into a spiral of poor behaviour, cutting school, lighting fires, shoplifting, depression, anxiety, and resultant Googling of emo cults to sell her soul to, and therefore resultant long-term pricey therapy that would see me foregoing annual holidays to Bali for cheap cocktails in order to pay for said therapy. FFS!?

In short, I had clearly failed her. FFS!?
 
The next morning, presents were opened, #1Hubby went to work, and I set about fixing the cake-tastrophe.

We went to the shop, spent even more money, and I made these bad boys instead:
 
Rainbow Cupcakes Mach 2: Fashioned to look like ice cream cones. No FFS
 

Huzzah!  I was totally planning on blogging it as a tutorial, as it is the single piece of child-related culinary awesome I have ever created in my life, that doesn't involve a litre of wine.

No FFS!?
 
Except that it took 4 hours - the entire morning of Miss7's birthday - which I then had a whole other level of mother guilt over not spending  with her doing something exciting instead of yelling "Go away! Don't touch that! Stop licking that! It is not yours! Ok well it is, but not yet!".  FFS!?
 
Except DearBabyG beat me to the rainbow cupcake tutorial just the other day. FFS!?

And don't even get me started on transporting them to the park. FFS!?
 
Or the icing melting at the park because it was hot. FFS!?
 
Or the candles failing to light because it was windy.  Gale force windy. FFS!?

I know exactly where I wanted to insert the rainbow cupcake fashioned into an ice cream cone....FFS!?
 
Image credit
 
 
 
 
 

24 comments:

  1. lol quote of the century - "Or multicoloured bent penises post-happy ending. FFS!?"

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  2. OK so we need to start sharing our intended blog posts plan over bingo on Mondays. They look bloody awesome! and I bet you snuck pureed veggies in yours for natural food colouring too.

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  3. I'll probably still blog it and post it while we're in Bali over Xmas. Who doesn't like a rainbow cupcake made to look like an ice cream cone? Right? Probably a better blog post than a post-cocktails drunken rambling.

    No pureed veg - I would've put vodka in them by that stage, if I'd thought of it.

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  4. Sad but true. I now wish I'd taken a photo before tossing them in the bin in disgust. They really did look like that. Probably a good idea I didn't persevere with them and take them to the park to feed all the small children....

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  5. Lol, poor little penises. I'm sure the kids would have loved them anyhow. You could have taken photos and pretended that's what they looked like after the kids had smashed them.

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  6. I do wish there were photos of the multicoloured bent
    penises post-happy ending" (wow, that is SO going to make Google searches go wild).
    In the spirit of schadenfreude I hope that they were as bad as my
    baking efforts - with packet mixes. Apparently, my efforts were so poor
    that my daughter learned to make her own birthday cakes (and her
    brothers). Bonus! "

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  7. My cakes never quite look like the pictures either, though to be fair (and totally baggy), they usually do look awesome. And yes you can slap me now. ;)

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  8. I haven't yet attempted the Rainbow cake but i can almost guarantee it will turn out looking more like the 2nd image.
    The Rainbow cupcakes look delicious.

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  9. Oh dear, you poor thing, what a horrible baking experience. Photo would have been icing on the cake, so to speak...

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  10. I get an awesome picture of how great my cooking is going to look and it it ends up turning out looking like horseshit. Thankfully though I somehow manage to make it taste ok so it's still a winner.

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  11. Birthday cake is my favourite part of birthdays! I've had jelly bean cakes, Garfield (this one was made by a real cake maker), noughts and crosses.. My brother had a dinosaur once! It's all about the love that goes into making it :)
    Gift and Ideas

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  12. Too funny PP! This reminds me of P2's second birthday almost a year ago. I was attempting a dolly varden cake before friends arrived on the morning of her party. I turned the dome cake out of the oven - so far so good. Then I plunged the dolly into it. Crack - the entire thing split it two. The guests were due in 15 minutes so I had to think fast. I turned it into a volcano. The moral is that when you have a cake disaster turn it into a natural disaster.

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  13. I'm doubling over in laughter over here, Mrs Edward Scissorhands! I still think you should do a rainbow cupcake tutorial...FFS style :) How about it? It'll break the interwebz :) x

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  14. I admire you for spending countless hours in the kitchen!
    I had my daughter's 3rd birthday celebration yesterday... the 'immediate family' (say 15 people) are quite fussy over home made creations... I couldn't stand the pressure so I headed for the bakery at the local shopping centre et voila' ! Black Forrest cake that everyone loved and went for seconds... surely if that was mine I don't think anyone would even finish their first slice!

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  15. You are wise. I was thinking all "I'm going to save soooo much money doing it myself" - that's the only reason I got Pinterest-ified and on the rainbow cake band wagon. It probably cost at least triple what fancy pants cupcakes would've cost at the most exclusive and boutique bakery in the most pricey suburb in Perth.

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  16. I think I will. If only I could get through one week without ample whiney FFS!? worthy moments, then I'll do the tutorial.

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  17. Ohhh nice save! I've always wanted a dolly varden cake myself. If I could find a George Clooney doll, I would absolutely make one. For real. Not even kidding.

    I love your motto.

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  18. Exactly! This is exactly what happened to me. Over 9hrs of effort the first day, plus 4hrs the second day, and you'd think I could produce something that looked remotely like Pinterest and my mental images, right?

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  19. You know I'm half tempted to try again, just so I can take photo's for when I do the blog post tutorial. Knowing my luck, they'd work perfectly second time around - and I'd be left with a dozen perfect rainbow cupcakes and nobody but me to eat them all.

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  20. They were good. Slightly off-putting with the hippie tie-dyed look that the individual layers turned into as they cooked and fluffed up. But if you closed your eyes and ate they were just fine.

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  21. Bah. I've worked out that all I need to perfect is the icing. Everyone loves icing, and it can hide the crappiest cake, if done right. That's your secret, isn't it - the icing? Or are you just caketastically gifted?

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  22. Ohh, I once wrote a series of posts about going to the coast with the kids. My last one was F*&k the beach (but without the symbols). My stats went mental for ages, but so too did my bounce rate. All the disappointed horny types who clicked on my site, expecting some hard core beach action, instead finding a Mummy blogger whining about her crap parenting. Gold.

    OMG, you are a genius. If I keep doing a poor job with the packet mixes (because I almost always use a packet mix), then they'll give up and do their own. You are so wise.

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  23. I never thought of that. Or I could've claimed they turned out like that after the drive to the park.

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  24. This so reminds me of the time that we made a 3D Birthday Duck Cake for one of our boys - it took so very LONG and then in the night it feel over :) So we had to put all of these tooth picks into it so that it could stand up!
    Then realised we had to find those tooth picks before cutting up and serving the cake to the kids...funny now but not at the time.

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