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Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Toilet talk : Porta loo point scoring

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#1Hubby and I hit the town with friends last week for City Wine Perth.

It was an epic night.

The kind of night where you partake in a number of beverages and eventually break the seal, thus resulting in quite a lot of time spent in the bathroom.

Lucky me I had around 20 porta loo's to choose from.

It'd been a while between porta loo occasions, so it took me forever to find the flush button.

It was on the floor.  I found it when I accidentally pressed it while still seated.


Other than the whole horrific unintentional bidet experience, it was this sticker in the loo's that got me thinking.

What exactly is there to rate besides the obvious cleanliness and quality and quantity of loo roll?

If you really want to make your public facilities worthy of a ratings system, you need to pimp out the potty.

Naturally, I have a few suggestions...

Mood music - be it to block out the sound effects from surrounding patrons, or provide camouflage for those with a shy bladder.

Wall mounted TV - voice operated, because nobody wants to be all hands-on in a public toilet.  Obviously.

Make it pretty.  Fancy, even.  Okay so this one may be a bit overkill.  And likely chilly on the cheeks in winter.

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Industrial steam clean automatically triggered on exiting the cubicle - so you know without a doubt that any...leftovers have been sterilised, neutralised, removed.

Voice operated everything - so you don't have to touch anything other than yourself (heh).

Toilet paper.  An endless supply worthy of wall art.  A 'two-fer', if you will.

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Drink holders and disposable lids - I do some of my best thinking in the loo.  It would be nice to be able to whack a lid on my drink, sippy cup style, and take it with me.  To replenish the fluids I am expending.

BlueTooth - because without fail, #1Nana always phones while I am mid-stream in a public toilet.  I can't tell you the number of times I've almost sent more than I intended to down the bowl, awkwardly fumbling for my phone while trying to hover over the seat.

Games - sometimes taking care of business can take a few minutes.  And if you're a bit ADHD like me, you really need something else to do while in there.  Candy Crush.  Minecraft.  Farmville.  Words With Friends.  Optional tournaments with your cubicle neighbours.

Pretty much this with a luxury leather padded toilet seat set in the luxury padded leather seat.

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And, most importantly, no men allowed

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Now that is a porta loo I would rate.


  1. 'Warning! Don't choking' Why do we never have signs like that on the porta-loos at races? Clearly the race directors aren't taking their duty of care seriously.

    1. Probably because the men are more interested in the horses than in trying to enter the ladies' loos for something that may result in the females choking...

  2. Now that's what I call a "Game of thrones". Love your work.

  3. Now that sign is HILARIOUS, no choking. I prefer to do a bush wee than use portaloos if possible! I just try not to touch anything when I'm in there. Oh the smells :(

    1. You're like the female equivalent of Bear Grylls. Bush over plastic porta loo? I'd still take my chances in the porta loo, if only for the ability to squat over something that won't potentially bite me in my lady parts.

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